freeyourheart

busy life, cluttered mind

2012-02-05T19:16:00.002-05:00

i have no idea why i'm writing this. or even if i'll publish it. i have no idea what i want this space to be, but here i am.

life is busy.

last week, i worked 58 hours over six days. i'm tired both mentally and physically. unfortunately, work has no signs of slowing down in the foreseeable future. and i'm still trying to stay on track with my weight loss, but it's hard when i barely have time to come home and relax.

since my last post, my braces turned one, my half birthday passed, my sister got an internship, one of the besties is a finalist for a government fellowship that may have me returning to DC soon with her, and i feel like a few things awakened in me. little things, but huge things i'm not yet willing to share.

my sister's 25th birthday was on the 23rd. it's also assassin's birthday. (and my cousin's. and the father of his sister's daughter aka his sister's baby daddy.) i wished him happy birthday, exchanged a few texts, and kept it moving. that's a huge victory for me.

i just finished the worst workout that i can remember. my energy was low and i couldn't stay focused. but i finished. 60 minutes down.

i'm trying to figure out how to keep my eating on track, seeing as i'm at work more than i am at home. and the only thing in close reach is subway and less than healthy food. i'm strongly considering going to meijer to get some fruit for a fruit salad to make for me and my team.

clearly, from this post my head is scattered. it seems to only be still when i'm watching a movie or driving. i need to find time and peace despite the overwhelming amount of stress i have at work. guess it's time to get focused on that praying daily resolution. i desperately need it right now.

this post is random. and probably will be published, but not shared. oh well. hope your Super Bowl sunday is awesome.

to trim or not to trim

2012-01-18T13:30:00.000-05:00

i didn't think i was that girl that was so concerned with length that i forgot about my hair's health. however, when i went for my silkening last month, i was kinda irritated with the amount of damage i had. i had cut maybe half an inch from my hair (did twists, then cut the scraggly ends), and that that would suffice.

no ma'am.

i asked her to get rid of as much damage as possible. she cut at least two inches more.

i left the shop feeling pretty but defeated. i knew what i'd done wrong. during the summer, my regimen was very lax. i went swimming in chlorine-filled water and didn't properly take care of my hair. and i wore my hair out almost everyday. it was inevitable, and i knew what to do to correct it for next time.

later that week, i just enjoyed my straight hair, noticing how healthy and thick it looked. and that overshadowed my feelings of defeat.

i have no idea why i had a glare on my camera...

blinging

shoulder length, but not too far from where i was in april 2011

i didn't see how great my trim was until i did my hair again almost three weeks later. my twists looked so much better. and it was confirmed when i got my hair done against last week. but let me start from the beginning of my two strand journey.

my hair does weird things. it's straight in the front and does whatever it wants everywhere else. here's my very first two strand twist in may 2010.

it was unraveling the first day...

gradually, it got better, but my hair had to be manipulated to stay and look the way i wanted it to. my stylist would finish my twists, then clip the front part, twist by twist so it would lay right. then she'd put me under the dryer for about 15 minutes to let my hair dry and form to the style i'd get.

it took a lot to get my front to look like that.
and it still looked like it'd unravel at any moment
(taken the same day i got it done, march 2011)

my back was bomb, though. always.

and then i got my hair trimmed again, during my semi-annual length check.

the second day of my twists.
no manipulation done at all.

best. two strand. ever.

day five hair, post workout.

what's the moral of this story? i need to take better care of my hair during the summer. and above all, trims do wonders for me. some people don't need them. but i do.

do you get trims? how regularly? have you noticed any difference in them?

bad romance

2012-01-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

during the first week of the year, i prayed that prayer that always makes me nervous: for the removal of those that aren't supposed to be in my life and me to be open to anyone new entering it. what i didn't expect to happen was the prayer's immediacy.

i put in my resolution list about recognizing he's not the only man to love me and not acting so desperately for his attention. and i knew that spoke volumes about how i felt about my love life. but i meant it only as hey, ma'am. if you back up a bit, you can be fully present instead of being so analytical about it.

photo credit

despite that, He spoke and i ran from my usual act of Jonah, accepting my fate.

i honestly can't even recall what the argument was about. it was something small that became something huge. i guess we were both at our last straws. i wanted someone i didn't have to nag and he wanted someone who wouldn't nag him.

ironically, i don't feel melancholy and i didn't cry. ~~yet.~~ yes, it still hurt. yes, if i saw him, i'd have a visceral reaction. yes, i miss him. yes, i finally realized he was my first true love. but i know we're not meant to be. i know he's not the only man to love me. i know that it doesn't have to be as hard as it was with him. i know i'm worth more than i accepted. i knew that i felt a twinge of eeriness when i heard no doubt's "ex-girlfriend," specifically this line: i find myself trying to change you. if you were meant to be my lover, i wouldn't have to. and most importantly, i have too much to accomplish to let this keep me down. (cue grad school and getting this mind/body/spirit right.)

a friend sent me this at work:

when i begin to engulf myself in continuously asking God for certain things, i miss out on the blessings He already has in store for me. God is LIMITLESS when it comes to blessing me. i want to be open to WHATEVER he may had win store.

this is what 2012 is going to be. standing in my own light and embracing all the blessings i have coming, regardless of the package they're in.

i'm ready.

the caterpillars on my face

2012-01-10T19:37:00.000-05:00

i'm a brow girl.

i've said it a million times, but i'll say it again: i'll never feel more beautiful than after getting my eyebrows done. the perfect arch gives me such life.

so of course, i was in a panic on saturday when my eyebrow girl of two years was nowhere to be found when i needed my eyebrows waxed. (i know life happens, but unless you're on vacation, as the co-owner, why aren't you in the shop during normal business hours, on more than one occasion? i'm just saying.) i had made it past the normal 14 days, and was bordering on hairy, scary brows, like i was in my younger days:

adorable for a kid, but an adult?
YIKES!

after utilizing all my resources and not finding a solid, affordable option, i went to a spot in the mall where they threaded.

now i'll be honest. threading scared me like crazy. refer to that picture again. your girl has some hairy brows, so taking them out individually just seemed like a lesson in slow torture. also, i'm picky about my eyebrows. i've had people do them and mess up my arch. it took me so long to find my girl that i couldn't imagine starting that search again. but i did.

did it hurt? hell yeah it did. but so does waxing. but i feel like my arch is more precise. also, it was a lot quicker than waxing, and she didn't have to go back and pluck, which was a plus. we'll see if it lasts longer than my usual 14 days.

just for comparison, these are my eyebrows at their most perfect while waxed:

aww. life before braces... lol

and here's a couple today:

not bad for the first time.
not bad at all.

i may be a convert to threading, ya'll!

how do you groom your eyebrows? have you had bad experience at a place you've been to for a while? how did you deal with it?

it's resolution time

2012-01-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

this year's calendar
purchase here

i chimed in 2012 a little different than usual. donned in PJs and still reeling from the absurdity of "a clockwork orange," i grabbed my bottle of Welch's sparkling red grape, a wine glass, and my box of fortune cookies and turned on "casper." at midnight, i picked my fortune and received whatever the Universe was advising me about the new year: "your present plans will be successful."

vague as hell, but very apropos for the occasion. i started the new year with amazing words of positivity that if remembered and focused on daily, i could make come to fruition. mass texts were sent to the loved ones, and i went to bed.

it was lovely.

unlike past years, i didn't have my resolutions solidified before New Year's. it was still on my mind, but just not clear. after a very deep talk with one of the besties last night, i came up with this final list:

get accepted into U of L's Masters of Education program
run a 5k
workout at least 120 minutes weekly
volunteer twice a month
lose 40+ pounds from your current weight
follow your heart and trust your instincts
read at least 12 books
travel to at least one place you've never been before
woo yourself
know that he's not the only man that will love you, and therefore, stop acting so desperately for his attention
brush, floss/water pik, gargle and repeat twice daily
pray daily
be debt free
open up a savings account you don't touch with at least $1,500 in it by the end of the year

do you make resolutions? if so, what are they? i hope your new year is going to be as fabulous as mine is!

the zombie who killed the pain

2011-11-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

if you know me or have read my blog long enough, you know that i'm big on dreams and what they represent in my life. i dream fairly regularly and early this morning, i had a dream that blew my mind.

but let me start at the beginning.

my relationship (or estrangement) with my parents had been on my mind. i had another discussion with my mother a while back in which she still wanted to salvage the relationship and i didn't. i said all i wanted from her was the money she owed, her to leave me alone, and for her to grow up and act like an adult. she finally agreed (to the second request) and seems to be sticking to that.

cut to my unexpectedly melancholy weekend.

bored and curious, i turned on oprah's lifeclass, on demand. it was an episode on forgiveness. of course my first reaction were multiple eye rolls followed by an oh fuck. ugh...

but i watched. (it's oprah. i'm no fool.) and i listened. and i was receptive. then, oprah shared her a-ha moment of a guy say something to the fact of forgiveness is accepting the past, letting go of the possibility of what could have happen, and moving on with your future.

eh. ok, i thought. i ended the episode and went about my day.

cut to this morning.

i dreamt i was being attacked by a zombie woman. i knew i was under attack but nobody saw it or believed me and thought i was crazy. by the time people did believe me, it was too late. i was laying in a pool of blood. as i was dying, my last words were i love you, Mom. i love you, Dad. i love you, Sister.

wait... wha????

i remember being sleep, just finishing the dream, thinking what?! did I really say that?! but continuing with my sleep. i woke up and had forgotten all about it, but felt lighter.

an hour later when i remembered it, i realized i'd done something i never thought was possible: i truly forgave them. i no longer thought of all the what ifs i'd racked my brain with for all those years. didn't think about all the money i was owed and would never see. didn't count the number of times they'd left me. i just let it leave my body. surprisingly, i reminisced back to my favorite family photo, of my and my sister in matching purple outfits and a happy family. it was nice.

this is not to say everything is picture perfect. i'm still at peace with my decision to not have them in my life, but i forgive them. i'm at peace with my past and what i am as a result of it. i'm a pretty stable adult, perhaps because of my instability in my adolescence.

there's no more grudges, just understanding, acceptance, and moving forward.

have you learned how to forgive? if so, what steps did you take to get there? have you seen any episodes of lifeclass? what's your reception to the show?

this i know

2011-11-02T19:55:00.000-04:00

these are just a couple of things stewing in the old noggin this week...

i have a fascination and love for fortune cookies. i always keep the good ones as nuggets of inspiration. on sunday, i went to the chinese restaurant and the cashier let me pick my own fortune. this has to be the best one i've ever gotten:

it was so simple, but so true. sometimes i get so down on myself for what i don't have or what i should be doing but aren't. this is my tip to stay the course, no matter what.

there's nothing that makes me feel more beautiful lately, besides fresh brows, than a long skirt. i'm usually the queen of short skirts and dresses, but ever since i bought this skirt at h&m on sale for $7, i've been in love with it.

short girls + long skirts = awesomesauce

halloween is hands down my favorite holiday (followed by my birthday and christmas, in that order). growing up, i wasn't allowed to celebrate the holiday due to my religion. i saw kids getting dressed up and going trick or treating, while i had harvest festivals at my church.

i can always remember one year when i was 8 or 9, we made a huge pile of leaves and laid in them, my sister, my father, and myself. and we watched the kids go house to house in their costumes. i was mesmerized by them.

now, halloween is less about candy and more about being scared. i love scary movies and haunted houses. (one year, i'm gonna convince someone to take a four hour tour to waverly hills with me, at night. please? someone?) this year, i realized why i love the holiday so much: it's about me actively confronting fears. i love psychological thrillers. the shining and the original version of halloween will always and forever mess me up and be my favorite horror movies. and as i watched seven horror movies back to back on my DVR, using commercial breaks to finally catch my breath, i felt amazing. some of the story lines were plausible and incite our basic fears. you could get cabin fever and commit acts you wouldn't otherwise think. and you do get nervous sometimes getting inside your car, alone, at night. (at least, i do.)

plus, i love themed parties, so any excuse to dress up, i'm down for it.

grace joan aka joan of arc (cue coming to america)

goodbye, october. hola, november!

for the love of mac & cheese (& ctc)

2011-10-16T19:25:00.000-04:00

being fat is not the end of the world like the world has made it seem.

two of my must watch shows right now are mtv's i used to be fat and chelsea settles. while i love these shows and they inspire me, i feel so conflicted. their stories, or perhaps the way they're edited, depicts lonely people with little to no lives. unhappy people. defeated people. one episode of i used to be fat especially irked me when one girl said she wanted to lose weight to she could dress cute.

::abruptly brakes::

ma'am. let me introduce you to amelia pontes. gabifresh. xtinathegreat. the notorious z.a.g. franceta. et al. hell, me. and try to repeat that statement.

even though it's hard to watch, and not completely accurate with how some fat people feel, i get it. (moreover, it'd be hella boring television to watch a well-adjusted, happy yet big person losing weight. and i get that it's television so they won't show them working out for 6+ hours a day to lose the 100 pounds in 90 days. again, the magic of television shows itself.) i understand their emotions. things are harder. dealing with the image in the mirror. being harrassed and teased without provocation. happiness. self-esteem. i'm fortunate enough to say that's not my struggle right now.

that being said, i joined a weight loss program on thursday, october 6. for purely shallow reasons, i want to fit in a lot of clothes i can no longer wear. for health reasons, i went to the doctor and my number pissed me off to the point i was irritated all day and wanted to cuss out the nurse who told me the number. for physical reasons, i miss how my body felt the last time i lost weight and the extra energy and stamina i had. and i realized i couldn't do it on my own. this time, i needed structure.

the last time i started this weight loss journey, i didn't acknowledge that it was a lifelong process. when my cousin died, i lost it and couldn't function. re-gaining the weight and then some further reiterated i don't deal with my problems like i should. i compartmentalize them until i can deal with them; until then, they're ignored. i'm working on that.

one of the things i've loved about myself in the past few years is that i've gotten closer to becoming the woman i want to be. i did things i never imagined doing. fell in love twice. lost friends, gained friends. traveled. went to a gang of concerts. discovered the awesomery that is combat boots and lipstick. learned that i can either let my size dictate who i was or i could be just be me. and i've never been happier, all while gaining 60 pounds. i don't regret a single thing.

a week and some change in, i've lost 2.8 pounds. overall, i'd love to lose 80+ pounds on this journey or at least get close to the weight i was the last time i lost. even more than that, i'd love to be healthy and run a mini-marathon. (me running a mini-marathon? that’d be bad ass.) regardless if i achieve any of my goals, i hope this journey will be about my relationship with food and how i deal with my emotions. about not having this on my resolution list every year for eternity. and being as healthy as i can be.

life will always happen. shit will get messed up. but i don't want that to deter me from my goals and my health.

me, macaroni and cheese, and cinnamon toast crunch will forever be tight. but now, we'll be more like special occasion/holiday buddies. and that's cool with me.


summer 2008 cute shape, but blahly dressed/styled

summer 2011
80 pounds heavier, but one of my fave pics of the summer
love this outfit, man

natural hair round up: the blow out

2011-09-19T21:26:00.000-04:00

with the humidity dying down and fall weather upon us, i started to get the stretched hair itch. i knew that meant one thing: a blow out.

my hair was already stretched, i applied karen's body beautiful's butter love on each section and blow dried my hair on medium heat. it wasn't fully straight, but just enough to show more of my length.

after i did my blow out, i had no idea what to do with my hair. i remember seeing this rolled updo somewhere, and gave it a try. (each section of hair was rolled around my finger then bobby pinned.) i usually like my hair more neat, but i kinda liked the messiness of it.


playing with lipstick. wearing revlon's cherry blossom.

and with the hair done, i was ready to celebrate brittany's 25th birthday:


shirt & earrings x f21 jeans & ring x torrid


i love anything that shows off my tattoo :) (even though you can't see it in the pic lol)

all smiles after a great dinner

right now, i've been playing with what to do with all this length. after three months of doing my own hair, i'm starting to get bored and have no idea what to do with it next. i think i see a bun in my near future.

indian summer, please

2011-09-07T21:30:00.000-04:00

my cubemate at work has this theory that i put myself on the clearance rack. she believes i discount myself and my attributes and don't let myself fully shine as i'm supposed to. when she said it, i adamantly disagreed. last night, i proved her right.

but let me start at the beginning, i suppose.

i'm gonna blame it on the weather change. it went from 101 on saturday to about 65-70 degrees since sunday. it kinda shocked me into reality that fall is coming and i have yet to find my winter boo. it's all really inane in the grand scheme of life, but it messed with my head.

how bad, you ask? i went back on my promise to myself and texted assassin on friday, made tentative plans with him which never came to fruition, and late last night i stooped to an even lower low. i tweeted the ex, mnl.

i have no idea what i hoped to accomplish, with either. ok. that's a blatant lie. there's familiarity (and no risk of increasing my number) with them. plus, with both of them, when we're good, it's really good. but in reality? i don't know what permanent good any involvement with either will do, unless i get what i want when i want it. at best, they'll give what i'll accept for the time, an illusion of intimacy.

i tweeted this to add to the #whyimsingle trending topic, yesterday:

and there it is in less than 140 characters. i'm that girl that is all for adults behaving as adults, but i want some additional perks, too. like all my formers have told me, i want the benefits of a relationship with none of the work. what guy is gonna be cool with that? (if you know him and he looks good, is single, has a job, and lives in the louisville area, cue him this way.)

i just have to ask myself: why am i already so reactionary to this cold weather, especially after i read this post? it's going to be hot on saturday for at least a week. louisville only got a fall tease, and i'm acting like this.

if this is what i have to look forward to, i need summer to last as long as it can until i can get it together.

mayer can say it better than i can, though:

the bad daughter

2011-08-29T21:49:00.002-04:00

this post is gonna be long. i feel it. it's been pent up a little too long, and i need to finally get it out.

i spoke something into existence.

when i wrote that i wanted to finally see my parents and not feel any malice, i was given that opportunity recently. it was on the sunday following my birthday. i was over my sister's, waiting on my aunt to arrive to take us to a dinner and a movie for my birthday.

before the movie started, there was a knock on the door. i opened it, and there stood my mother. rage filled my body. all i could say was your mother's at the door.

i walked away and went into my sister's room. i sat there, frustrated, livid, feeling stupid. janelle. you're 26 now. if you have something to say, speak your peace, now.

so i got up, and went into the living room and said what was in my heart. i asked her why she was there, not really caring for the answer. i listened (her answer is irrelevant), and saw a shell of a woman i once knew. she had gained weight and was still wearing the same size clothes, now ill-fitting. her face was puffy. her skin looked gray. she looked said and in pain. i felt pity in that moment.

unfortunately, that didn't stop me from asking what i needed to: where's my money? i asked this knowing she didn't have a job. knowing i will never see that stack ever again. knowing that she would give me yet another bullshit answer. she told me her husband was dying and she had no money. that she doesn't have a job anymore.

as i listened, i wondered what i was supposed to feel. should i feel pain for an asshole who had made my life a living hell? should i feel sorry that a bad person was dying such a slow death and see it as karma? or should i just move on and not worry about it?

words were spoken, her out of hurt and me out of coldness. things ended with her crying and me snickering/smiling. i've heard it all before. been there, done that, i thought.

once out of the bathroom, she took her plate of food (her supposed reason for the drop in) and left. my sister had to prod her to leave, telling her it was a part of my birthday celebration. her response? oh. i forgot it was your birthday.

clearly, that pissed me off even more. not only should she know the day of my birthday, but how could she forget it, after having me eight days after her birthday. i don't get it.

i know that what i said to her was stupid. i know i will never see my money again. the scratches from her keying my car will forever remain, unless i repair the damage myself. but i can't seem to let it go. i wish i had said something brilliant and thought-provoking to her, but instead, i spoke from the same broken record. still, to this day, i have no idea what i should have said.

i saw my aunt (her sister) last week. she told me my mom was in the hospital. since then, she's been back in once more. my aunt asked me: what would it take for you and your mother to reconcile?

i wish it was as simple as an answer. i've heard so often, for so many years, that she's going to get her life together. that she loves me. that she wants to do right by me and my sister. that we're all that she has. yet she continues to make the same choices, for as long as i can remember.

at what point does a person say no? at what point does it become enough? at what point does it not become an issue of "family" but an issue of toxicity and drama?

i'll be the bad daughter. i'll be the one everyone has to pray for so i'll "honor" my parents. as much as my family loves me, and i love them, this will be the one issue they will never let go. they mean well, so i can't really blame them. but i wonder if they ever see it from my shoes. do they ever think that it's possible to love someone from a distance? to love yourself so much that you choose to allow another person's negativity to inflict your life with unnecessary bullshit?

here's what i would tell my mother if i get the chance and have the heart:

i feel for you right now. you allowed yourself to be isolated from your family for so long. now that you no longer have a man to fall back on, you are even more lost than before. i hope this ends for you soon. i hope that you come into your own and find the light that you always had. i hope you learn to love yourself and not crave the love of a man. i hope you take care of yourself. and i also wish that you will leave me alone. your choices have ended any chance for us to be close. i must forgive you for those choices, for my sanity. so, yes, know that i forgive you. but i need you to do me a favor: give me space so that if i ever see you again, i'll be able to say hi and not have any ill will towards you. you've taken so much from me. can you at least give me that? that's all i need from you at this point.

and co-sign the last part for my dad.

and Jesus, can we work on this together? they're the ones that have broken my heart, but i need to let it go:

the birthday recap

2011-08-25T20:00:00.003-04:00

::eagerly waves hi::

hello, there. my name is janelle. you may remember me. i've been neglecting this space. my apologies. ::offers you a nerds rope::

[source]
love me again? :)

can i tell ya'll i had the most amazing, exhausting birthday ever?

the celebration was kicked off with my d.c. trip. i swear, i do some weird things in the name of a wonderful city (like really? me? pay to see a soccer game when i don't watch soccer, ever?!), but overall, ~~the trip was not horrible~~ i'm glad i went.

on the first, i had dinner with carrie, a wonderful woman who has watched me grow up over the course of 10 years. it was endearing to be with someone who had known me so long, saw all the drama i went through (and came out of), and was able to honestly discuss marriage, religion, and parenthood. i will always love her and hope i know her when i have kids.

on the third, i did my first blowout to got this glorious tattoo done. i will forever love scott at acme ink.

that right there is some big ass hair

took this today. didn't realize i didn't have a picture of it.

lowercase cursive?! love it to pieces.

the day continued with a tweetup. good (free!) cake, good conversation, and a generally awesome time, as usual. then something unexpected happened: a reconciliation with a former friend. we even hugged. it was nice.

dinner at my favorite mexican spot. my sister told them it was my birthday, and they gave me a double shot of an appletini and a double shot of tequila. followed by $5 bottles of wine nearby. followed by drunk texting assassin/bmf and professing that if i allowed myself, i could/would have fallen in love with him. (::insert eye roll here:: moving on...) followed by dance (ass) coming on and me twerkin' it on the dance floor. followed by the girls gives me cups of water. that night was a hot ass mess of fun.

yeah...

on the actual bday, hungover, i headed for st. louis to see jilly. hands down: worth every penny and then some for a solo trip. the albums do her voice a gross disservice. she made me cry, though. her singing "slowly surely" live? and wrapping it up with "he loves me (lyzel in e flat,)" belting it out in italian, opera style? chile... tears were flowing and i could not stop myself.

saturday, my sister threw me a surprise birthday party masked as "an art and music event somewhere in the highlands." she cooked a gob of food and made tons of drinks. all of my friends were there and then my family (about 20 of them, including kids) piled into an suv and stopped by. super sweet. then this happened:

the next weekend, we went to king's island.

got on a water ride for the first ride. flat twist out still going strong.

in total, i had seven days of my birthday celebration. it was everything i ever wanted and more. and as ham as i've been about birthdays, i think for the next couple of years, i'll go lowkey after this one. very lowkey.

best birthday ever, guys.

what i know for sure

2011-08-02T01:36:00.000-04:00

the longer i live, the more i realize i know very little, at best. my 26th birthday, my have-it-all-together year, is fast approaching. i'm supposed to have a career, be done with school, own a home, exclusively dating someone, 40+ pounds lighter, and happy. i've fulfilled only the latter on the list.

in a nod to oprah and in preparation for my birthday, i'm doing my own version of what i know for sure:

i am very strange. i say this with all the love in my heart but calling a spade a spade. i was that little girl who begged for a black and white television at seven and felt the coolest watching shows in black and white on nick at nite on said television. despite all the changes i've made since then, that strangeness has never left.
sometimes i speak out of hurt and insecurity. but it never invalidates my points and always comes from a space of sincerity.
i'm obsessed with love. the love i have for myself. the love i have for my family. the love for my friends. God's love. how to show love. what unconditional love truly feels like, what it looks like.
being shallow, as i ~~sometimes,~~ often am, balances out my strangeness. in my head, anyway.
i wonder if my family was ever like this lovely, seemingly happy family i fell in love with at johnny rocket's in dc this weekend:


stupid straws in the way. but either way, no picture captured how adorable this family was.

i'm grateful for my aunt "adopting" me and my sister. and for my sister being my best friend. and for all the people currently in my circle. i have people in my life i can be social with and open up to. it feels nice.
i loved a man in a way i never imagined i could love a man who wasn't ready to be a "we" with me. months later, it's still hard to swallow, knowing he's moved on without me. i stop(ped) myself from loving another man who sees commitment/monogamy/love as an inconvenience. it will be hard to let him go, but i must. when it's all said and done, i believe what mayer said in wheel with my whole heart: i believe my life's gonna see the love i give return to me.
one day, i will get over being an "orphan," as i like to call it. i'll see my parents and feel no anger or ill will. i'll think of a good memory of us as a family. (i tried doing that today, and all i could think of is us appearing as a happy family in pictures and at church. one day.)
i take comfort in knowing my seven year old self would be proud of the woman i am today, flaws and all.

captain backfire (just stfu, janelle)

2011-07-29T10:24:00.002-04:00

the sentiment expressed in this song is my life on a regular basis.

case in point: this past wednesday.

sometimes, i get a bit too comfortable in situations and let my freak flag wave. i don't give the politically correct answers people want to hear but the truth of how i feel. i somehow managed to avoid the religion conversation but got bombarded with the relationship/marriage/trust conversation.

it started with me saying i don't agree with the whole "submission" thing women are supposed to do in relationships/marriages. that was instantly met with but that's in the Bible... i tried to stay away from the whole Bible argument and asked what about equality, though? why can't we nurture and submit to each other?

my rebuttals were exchanged which lead to the issue of money. i explained my belief against combining money. if we're together, your money is yours and mine is mine. based upon income, we would pay the same percentage of said income to pay for shared expenses (rent/mortgage, utilities, etc.) but other than that? no bueno.

everybody laughed and was like so how is that gonna work in a marriage?

i hit 'em with prince face and said what marriage? i don't believe in it for myself... and explained my rationale for it having nothing to do with love and being a contract instituted by the government. (yeah i know. that was a bit rude but i was peeved at this point.)

hearing the groans, i went back to the money topic and set myself up for frustration: relationships are hard enough. and with 52% of marriages ending in divorce, and most of marriages ending due to finances, why would anyone combine them?

then i got hit with the inevitable: once God finds that man for you, nothing will tear you all a part. ::rolls eyes and screams::

in between there was a conversation about why i'm an advocate of pre-nups, only want a commitment ceremony at most, and that the person i trust most (my sister who's 24) is only trusted at 85%.

oh. you must be single... your hurt is showing. ::laughs::

i made a small, ill-fated attempt to explain myself but knew it was a losing battle. i was speaking to a crowd of 35+, married, Bible-championing women. did i have any chance?

i have always have a case of ~~oversharing and~~ not knowing my audience when i speak in social settings. i wrongly assume everyone is open-minded and despite not agreeing won't resort to scripture or off-putting remarks. yes i'm both single and hurt but in no way does that invalidate my arguments or beliefs.

when a discussion arises where i know i'll have a subversive, unpopular opinion, i'm gonna sit back and be decoration. and live tweet it for a discussion later. lesson learned.

for the love

2011-07-24T21:53:00.001-04:00

last night, i went to an event i never thought i'd see in louisville: a mix of art and hip hop. and good art and hip hop at that. a joint effort by the land of tomorrow gallery (which i had inadvertently passed by weekly) and saving our style, the event focused on "live arts within the realm of hip hop culture."

there was break dancing, graffiti on canvas, a live dj (@yaomoney), good performances (by @jalinroze and @safari_blk), and amazing, thought-provoking art. did i mention it was free?

ensemble ready, me and the girls went out and had a great time.


my girl dedra (right) and her friend. LOVED their looks.

whitney and hickey

me, chanda, and dedra

male 2003 reunion in this piece


her name is blythe. had to talk to her with that dope tattoo.

so vain, but i LOVED this look.
shirt, skirt, and earrings x h&m
necklace, shades, and belt x f21
ring x torrid
vintage snakeskin clutch x my late great aunt (it ripped to pieces last nite. ::sighs deeply::)

and here's some of the best art i saw:

a lot more people came out than i expected. it was a mixed crowd, age and racially, and it was good to see so many people supporting something positive. (and a bunch of us together without fighting? fuck yeah.)

i found two rappers to check out, a new (good) blog to check out, and another gallery to visit. all in all, it was a good night. i look forward to more like it. free, or otherwise.

all the holes

2011-07-20T22:28:00.001-04:00

all has been quiet, very quiet, on the braces front. after a week of pain and adjusting to life with braces, i was good, overall. weeks later, i began to even feel pretty with them on. and i thought life would continue to sail on this way. until my last orthodontist appointment.

very sweetly, my ortho informed me i need to get four teeth extracted in order to perfect my smile and maximize the effect of the braces. ::insert panic, frustration, and anger here::

it wouldn't be such a big deal if i wasn't already six months into braces. and if i hadn't already made plans for the next few weeks. and if i knew it wouldn't be painful. but that's not the case. and to make matters worse, my birthday is coming up.

i have two choices: being put to sleep (which is more costly and would be done by an oral surgeon, like when i got my wisdoms out) or stay awake while the procedure is done (which is more cost effective, but would involve needles and... well... being awake.) even after almost a month passing, i still have no idea which to choose.

and to make things even worse, i'm trying to fit everything in before the school semester starts. i just don't know.

no matter what i decide, four teeth will be extracted. i will be in pain similar to, or worse than, the pain of the first week of braces. i will have to figure out how to eat with four gaping holes in my mouth. and i'll have to, yet again, get over myself and finding beauty (or at least acceptance with my aesthetic) during this whole process.

i told myself i wouldn't have anymore holes in my mouth. that no more needles would be used to numb my gums. that i wasn't about that life anymore. but here i am.

and all i keep thinking is: bitch, why are you frustrated? mad? panicked? you did this to yourself! and also jokingly: damn. you REALLY needed eight teeth pulled in order to have straight teeth? ::rolls eyes::

this braces life sucks. we'll see how this turns out.

cool & flirtatious in turquoise

2011-07-18T16:06:00.002-04:00

i never thought i'd be one of those women who felt perfectly comfortable wearing a swimsuit. before this year, i hadn't worn one in over 10 years. i didn't want to be someone who wore a shirt over a swimsuit, so i just stopped going swimming.

in 2009, one of my resolutions was to wear a swimsuit in public. the opportunity never presented itself, i said, so i never bought one or wore one. but i created the opportunity for myself this year.

i purchased a gorgeous, turquoise swimdress from swimsuitsforall.com after seeing a post from @curvatude and planned a trip to a local pool with my sister and my little cousin jacobi.


wet hair with suave naturals conditioner applied leather earrings from atlanta

jacobi looking super cute in her two piece

i felt very comfortable in my swimdress. the fit was flattering and lived up to being advertised as "its side shirred bodice slims the torso for that desirable sexy silhouette. this brilliant swimdress fits true to size and boasts of a soft molded shelf bra that comfortably fits up to a D/DD cup." i didn't have issues with pulling or tugging with the halter and could just be. and for the added bonus, i got the swimdress on sale, so i got the $54.99 item for about $50, including tax and shipping. if i ever want a new swimsuit, i'll definitely go here first.

who knew i could feel so comfortable and peaceful in a bathing suit?

natural hair round up: flat twist updo

2011-07-11T21:36:00.004-04:00

today i left my house with a perfect flat twistout. i was ready to greet my monday morning with sass. but mother nature had a different plan.

walking the 5 minutes from the parking lot to my job in the 85 degree heat (at almost 9a), my twistout with from glorious to ridiculous. i entered the building with a textured 'fro. no bueno.

i left the building around 6p to a temperature of 97 with a heat index of 115, with no signs of cooler weather in sight. with that in mind, i began playing with my hair.

i applied a mix of aloe vera gel and karen body beautiful's butter love & began twisting. here's what i created:

i. heart. this. look.

i did flat twists until i reached the center of my head, then i pinned the remaining hair with hair combs.
we'll see how long this hair lasts. hopefully marie augustine: 1, humidity/heat: 0.

the back door

2011-07-06T21:18:00.001-04:00

friday was one of those days where i couldn't win. work was crazy, saw a frenemy i no longer associate with, went out and had a bull time. then to make matters worse, one of my besties saw mnl/pac. on a date.

my heart sank. it took me over the edge. i was succumb with despair and loneliness. i sat in the bar, hoping he'd come back, so i could have a brief talk with him. my girls said it was a bad idea, but i'm a rebel and would've done it anyway.

but to say what?

i love you, but you did me dirty. you haunt me in my dreams. i miss laying in your nook and feeling right with the world.

although true, it's all superficial. i thought he loved the me i love(d). the me people rarely see, and if so, only in glimpses. but he didn't. he didn't see me. feel me. know me. he saw the facade and not the truth behind it.

yes, i miss what he represented. i miss having someone. for good or for bad. i miss who i was becoming with him. (i felt myself opening up for the first time in a very long time.) and i miss... i miss not having to be out there, waiting on my he.

he is now someone i will never have the type of closure i seek with. another person i will forget exists, until i see (or hear of) them and am surprised by their presence. a guy who has moved onto the next and is hopefully happy.

beyond that, i see a fault of mine in our relationship and my relationship with others. i don't let people see me. see the true nelly. the insecure, flawed, silly, multifaceted person that i am and am loving more daily. more than that, i see that i gave my heart to a man that had more people on his team than i did, but never hesitated to accuse me of not being ready for him. no matter how many guys there were, he was always my number one, but i was just one of his.

26 is soon approaching in less than a month. if i do nothing in the time i have remaining in my 25th year, i hope i can leave this time with people knowing who i am, the real me.

home invasion

2011-06-26T14:25:00.002-04:00

two mondays ago, i wore a swimsuit for the first time in years.

it's a gorgeous, turquoise swim dress i purchased from swimsuitsforall.com after seeing a post from @curvatude. i took the day off to go to my orthodontist (who told me i needed to get four teeth extracted, ::rolls eyes::) and go swimming. i brought my little cousin along for the ride and was in and out of the house all day.

around 6:30, the two of us, along with my sister, went swimming and got some ice cream. i dropped everyone off and headed home around 10p.

before i went swimming
swimsuit paired with harem pants x f21

i walked in my apartment, seeing the front door to the foyer was cracked open. i didn't think too much of it, as the new neighbors had been leaving the door unlocked lately, which i had major issues with living on the first floor. i walked the 10 steps to my door, and saw that it was cracked open, too. my heart sank. opening the door wide open, i saw my two month old 32 inch lg flat screen was gone. i panicked and headed to my bedroom, in the back of the house. the computer that was left on the bed was gone, and the couch in my room was pushed out to remove the cord.

i'd been robbed.

police were called. a report was filed. a claim was filed through insurance. an account was closed and another re-opened. fraud alerts were placed on my credit reports through the credit bureaus. but my stability was shaken.

later on, i found they'd taken more than the two items. more than the remote to the tv stolen and a second for 19 inch flat screen they deemed unworthy of stealing. more than the cord to upload pictures from my camera and its software. they took the security and love i had for my home.

in those first days, i slept in my guest room. in my head, it was the safest place, as nothing was taken from there. i'm finally back in my room, but it will never feel like it once did.

so if posts are slow coming or text heavy, that's why. i'll be doing them from my phone. i had a lot of posts in my head, but they all require pictures from my camera. and a computer.

i told myself my next computer would be a mac, so it's a choice of whether to get a pc now and a mac when i have the money in september or october or settle for a pc.

i miss writing. i miss my laptop, and downloading music/movies on a whim, and all my memories stored through pictures. i miss leaving my blinds open in my living room. and i'm tired of replacing a computer every two or so years, like I have the past six years. (the first one died and last two were stolen.)

but i'm grateful i wasn't there, that they didn't take more, and nothing was wrecked/broken. it could have been a lot worse.

bear with me.

networking still sucks, though

2011-06-13T00:45:00.001-04:00

i hate networking, and i never really saw the point.

i initially thought it was because i am socially awkward, almost as bad as awkward black girl. this may be a small part of it, but it's more so about my inability to understand promoting myself for the sake of nothing. as outgoing as i am sometimes, i'm introverted. i can speak to strangers without hesitation, but when the situation feels forced and/or i don't see a tangible gain, i back away.

i guess it starts with me not knowing what to say. hi, i'm janelle. i work for (insert company name) and i'm going back to school for my masters in education to become a second grade teacher. please tell me about yourself and your job that doesn't relate to my career field or skill set.

a co-worker invited me to go to a networking event at her church. feeling uncomfortable and slightly afraid, i decided to go and invited some friends. the day of the event, then there was a slight debacle about my attire. (the invitation strictly stated business casual, which i took merely as a suggestion. i was told otherwise.)

panicked, i went home and found an outfit with the assistance of a friend and my sister. dressed outside of my norm and feeling like a sellout, i headed to the event. one friend networked and me and the other friend got caught up on each others' lives and spoke to strangers when spoken to.

so i really didn't network, per se. most of the people attended the church and knew/knew of/had seen most of the people there. i received a couple of business cards i'll probably never use. i panicked and gave my number to a guy who i'm pretty sure has a girlfriend. (it's a long story not worth repeating.) and i met a fellow natural who is really down to earth.

although i felt like a conformist, others didn't really adhere to the dress code (thigh high slits, though?!), and i was witnessed to a few times (::rolls eyes::), i can say that this event wasn't a total waste.

the biggest thing i learned is that i really don't have business casual clothes. i'd say i have three dresses that are and one pair of slacks. two of those three dresses are sweater dresses. but once i start my future career, business casual will be more important and strictly adhered to. even though wearing it feels like me conforming, i have to find a balance between it and having my style and individuality shine through as well. (@economyofstyle has mastered this. i went through almost her entire blog for inspiration.)

currently, i'm more focused on dressing cute and dressing for after-work activities than dressing for success. i know the job i currently have is just a job, so although i kiss ass at my job, i don't dress the part. knowing that people (i.e. my leadership) think my outfits are cute and let them slide for the most part, perhaps because i kick so much ass at my job, i have no incentive to dress like i probably should.

but back to networking.

it still sucks. i'm going to take @nikitatmitchell's advice and use twitter for more than just personal use and add tweeters in the education field to network in a different way. yet i don't want to rule out networking in the traditional sense. i realize that event probably wasn't the best for me, being in a church setting, but i'm glad i went. me and the friend who didn't network decided we're giving ourselves a do over. another setting at a future date. this time, we'll actually network. stay tuned.

a funny thing happened on the way to the fridge

2011-06-07T20:37:00.002-04:00

i believe in the power of inspiration. i try to inspire myself daily, and my fridge is a perfect example of that. it's not elaborate or chic. it's lived in and comfortable, just like i hope my home will one day feel like.

this reminds me of what i need to tell myself daily (the words). of how far i've come in my dental journey (my list of cavities/root canals needed, specified by tooth number, pictured bottom left). my cousin and how he taught me that no matter what, i have a responsibility to be an example for my younger cousins (pictured in the middle). that even with $40, prom can be awesome (pictured, top left). that life is short, so i might as well live it the way i choose (pictured top right). that with faith, hardwork, and a persuasive argument, school can be funded (pictured bottom right). that wise words can be found anywhere, even in fortune cookies (pictured top middle).

and perhaps my favorite addition: the naked woman, who reminds me to love my body and flaunt it.

i bought an italian vogue months back and her picture just struck me. ridiculously gorgeous body aside, she was so confident in her skin. the article was in italian, so i have no idea what it was about, nor do i care to know, but the picture just makes me happy. in a magazine filled with size 0 and 00 women, this woman, in all her curves, is standing proudly.

i heart that.

hopefully soon, i'll make the time to fill my bedrooms with pictures of my favorite people/memories.

how do you inspire yourself? do you have a dream board or place where you put momentos to give yourself encouragement?

brown bunny syndrome

2011-06-05T12:59:00.000-04:00

yesterday, i moved my sister from her apartment to our house, and got furniture from the house for my apartment. i hired movers, and during that move, there was a very handsome mover. i'll call him fred.

my sister chose fred for me, and told him we were going out that night. towards the end of the move, me and him at a chance to chat a bit, alone. nice, ambitious dude. last thing he said to me was "[insert salsa club name], right?" i told him yeah, and thanks again for the move.

it was one of those nights where i was dressed down a bit but still very cute. i left the house confident in my outfit, enjoying good my body looked in my new shorts, and ready to have some fun.

once everybody was picked up, i headed to the club to see if fred was gonna come. instead, i saw a high school best friend's former boyfriend (my age, engaged, with three kids and one on the way...) and watched amazing salsa dancers.

everything was good. some dudes that were standing aross the room moved closer to our area, and were mugging as they went through. damn. why are they mugging like that? are they ready to fight or something? i asked my friend.

later on, she got chose by one of the dudes in the group, who the three of us silently agreed was missing something, other than a haircut. they had some solo time, and i came over and asked if they were on a date. typical me.

the conversation was random and pretty much unnecessary. and i knew my friend wasn't interested, especially when some other random dude came over and asked her to dance and she happily obliged, in a hurry.

then that's when lame dude set it off: it's always the friends hating.

um... excuse me?

i brushed it off. then i heard yell: FAT BITCH!.

i was tipsy, and my sister don't play when it comes to people talking bad about me. needless to say, we went in on dude. i had to physically remove her because i knew she was gonna throw her drink on him. if i came to it, i was ready to fight a dude that night.

the rest is kind of blurry and irrelevant, but my sister got people kicked out of the club and security came over to make sure we were okay. after my friend finished her dance/almost got felt up, we left the club, escorted by one of the security guards. as we left, the same wack dude was driving off and said it again: FAT BITCH!

i honestly don't know why that comment made me so mad and hurt me. i was "blocking" because i went over and talked to them when i knew she wasn't interested. and i made him mad because she took another offer, dancing with another guy. and made him even more mad when i cussed him out. then i made his crew of other lame dudes mad when someone in my group got them kicked out. from the conversation i had with them, he was shooting himself in the foot throughout and that had nothing to do with me. he was mad at how the situation panned out, and i just so happened person he could blame for it.

dudes: if you strike out with a woman, think about what you said to assist with said strike out. look at the way you've presented yourself. her friend isn't a hater; you had no chance.

in this case, he's talking about his girlfriend (strike one) talking crazy to his mom (strike two) while wearing fake Jordans (strike three) and in dire need of a haircut (beyond done). and he called my girl 32 when she clearly doesn't look it, then tried to make it a compliment (kick pebbles).

yes, i'm a bitch, but he didn't know that because he doesn't know me. but fat? he couldn't think of anything better?

i don't understand why when strangers get mad, they always resort to weight jokes. last year at the drake concert, some chick called me precious when i wouldn't give her friend the extra seat i had paid for, for someone who didn't come. it always reminds me of how roger ebert handled vincent gallo (actor/director of the brown bunny) calling him a "fat pig."

"Gallo all but wept in a Cannes interview as he described the pain of "growing up ugly," but empathy has its limits, and he had no tears for a fat pig and slave-trader such as myself. It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of 'The Brown Bunny.'"

oh. and i lost two pounds this week.

journey to the true janelle

2011-05-29T15:41:00.003-04:00

today i searched for the scale that haunted me, whose previous home was on my steps leading to my bedroom. a scale i hid so well from myself it took me 10 minutes to find. i stood on it, curiously.

i weigh 266.6 pounds.

i'm 5'2" and i weigh 266.6 pounds. i don't say that with pride or malice. it's just a fact.

ever since i could remember, i had a strained relationship with food. i've lost weight and gained weight. i sneaked and at food ate times, and restricted my diet at other times.

as an adult, my lowest weight was probably... four years ago, at 204 pounds. i wasn't that girl that thought all her problems would be solved with weight loss, but i felt accomplished in losing 40 pounds, without a diet program, all alone.

at that weight, inside, i felt no different. subconsciously, i thought things would change with my weight loss. alas, i had the same struggles, just with a healthier body. in a body that physically felt better. then life happened, and wouldn't stop happening, and i gained the weight back, and then some. gained 10+ pounds back than my heaviest adult weight, just to prove something.

then i watched oprah early this year (saved on my dvr). she had geneen roth on the show, author of women, food, and God. i watched her and was amazed at what she was saying, but knew i wasn't ready to receive her message. i was too busy with life.

then bikini season hit and i saw the pictures of raven symone's dramatic weight loss, and jordin sparks in her bikini and thought wow. if only i looked like that.

until i saw gabi in her bikini, glowing, stating "everybody is a bikini body" which made me cry. and afrobella echoing her "everybody is a bikini body" sentiment, looking stunning as ever. and amelia ponte's post on body image.

i love my body. conditionally. i'm ambivalent about it. i can dress it up and make it look fly, but i'm not comfortable in it. i wanted to lose weight but not do any of the work. then i remembered seeing geneen roth on oprah and her (oprah) saying it changed her approach to weight loss and dieting.

a couple weeks ago, i picked up the book, and it opened my eyes.

it's not about food. it's never about food. and it's not even about feelings. it's about what's below them. what's in between them. what's beyond them. it's about the parts of you with which you identify. sometimes i ask my students to tell me about the person they are referring to in 'i-me-mine.' i ask them to tell me about her needs, her wants, her beliefs. and every time--100 percent of the time--the person they describe is a construct, a mental fabrication, a fantasy image. -geneen roth

1. i've been feeding myself this bullshit story of who i am and my relationship with food. a story of me, as a hurt, inappropriately touched, derided, ugly dark skinned girl who had only her brain and body to offer. a learned story, but a inaccurate story. a story of a younger me.

freedom is hearing The Voice ramble and posture and lecture and not believing a word of it. -g.r.

2. the voice i have in my head telling me how (insert pejorative adjective here) i am, comes from people i don't even choose to have in my life anymore. yet again, another lie.

sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness. -g.r. quoting poet galway kinnell

3. i have the power to tell my own story, based on the present. beyond the girl who ate to feel who now just wants to feel, freely. that eating at night will not make me feel any less lonely. that i cannot change my parents or the people who left me, hurt me, abused me. but i can love myself, unconditionally and fearlessly. and not just say it but embody it.

i'm not gonna say that my issues with my body/body image/weight/diet have all been solved. but i do have some clarity.

there were times in reading the book, i had to fight to get through the chapter, then put it down. it hit a nerve. and i needed to sit with it a little while.

but i've already seen a change that i didn't see coming. the day of my first reading of the book, i cooked dinner and prepared my breakfast and lunch. i drank water. i started talking to my aunt about natural herbs and supplements that i used to talk as a child.

and best of all, i've been eating when i'm hungry and for the most part stopping when i'm full. i haven't banned anything from my eating. friday night, me and my sister went to carraba's. i murdered my caesar salad, to the point i didn't stop eating it when my food came. i loathe salads in general, but this one was so good my body thanked me.

and i ate enough manicotti until i stomach said, "enough." i listened and obeyed.

this week, my body feels ready to incorporate some exercise. i pulled the workout dvds i bought in january that have been in my backseat since then. they're now sitting on the coffee table. ready.

my only goals with this journey is to continue to listen to my body and follow its cue. and also to get to my natural weight, whether that's 220 pounds or 180 pounds. i want to enjoy this body for all that it offers. and love it, unconditionally, without looking back at what it was or could have been. not just dress it up to its best ability. but feel at home in this skin.

but now, this body, this life, feels like home. my four year old daughter says: 'i love you six hundred cats, to the moon and back, and 10 pancake breakfasts.' and what i am saying is that i am learning to love myself five billion universes, nine hundred and ten strawberries, and three million elephant kisses. it's a completely different life when i direct that kind of kindness toward myself.-a student of g.r.

OOTD: mirror in the sky*

2011-05-26T10:00:00.002-04:00

it never ceases to amaze me how impeccable my great aunt's style was. i've been spending my sundays for the past month cleaning and sorting through her stuff, and last week, i found a gem: a long, white pleated skirt.

i saw and i knew i had to have it. i don't really wear long skirts, but this one spoke to me. and last tuesday night, i had a dream of what i'd wear with it. i really love myself in white and in one color with a touch of color. while i love wearing five or more colors at once, sometimes, even i need a break from it.

so i created this ensemble:

white (menswear) t-shirt/studs/shades x h&m
skirt/fabric for turban: vintage (from my great aunt)
belt x f21
shoes x target

the only downside of the outfit is that i was dressed up with nowhere to go. luckily, i feel this skirt will be in heavy rotation this summer.

*the title is from one of my favorite k-os songs.

happy belated cinco de mayo

2011-05-24T10:00:00.005-04:00

i'm hella late with this post, but i lost my camera last week. (and by lost, i mean, i unknowingly put it in a drawer with clothes on top of it and couldn't remember where i stashed it.)

did i tell ya'll how much i love cinco de mayo? i am 0% mexican, but i just really love the day. it's been my liberation day for the past few years, and i'm thinking of just making it an annual tradition of doing something good for myself every cindo de mayo.

three years ago, i got my license on that day. last year, i did my big chop. and this year, i wanted to get my love yourself tattoo re-done.

i had to wear a cute 'fit to honor the day, so i was donned in h&m.

skirt & (menswear) t-shirt x h&m

i got the earrings at the natural hair show

i loved how different my color looks now
and yes, this is the same shirt i used to make a turban out of in this pic

so like i said, i was en route to get my tattoo done. and i had every intention of getting it redone, but the guy told me he couldn't do it, that it wouldn't stay. so i took that as a sign to get another one: my beloved treble clef.

it's a little larger than i expected, but i love it. when i was a kid, i played the piano, and i'd love that i could make a "J" out of the treble clef and write my name on the end. such a weird kid, i know. but i always felt something for the symbol.

this is the most spontaneous thing i've ever done in my life. it hurt like hell, despite being told otherwise. but was a great purchase. look at me, all tatted up, with my two tattoos. ::laughs::

natural hair round up: turban fever

2011-05-22T11:32:00.001-04:00

ya'll know i get bored easily, right? and i get these random, last minute ideas to do stuff. last week was no different.

i was loving my silky hair and wanting to keep it for at least two weeks. life changed that with a quickness. i went out for the (kentucky) derby, and was having a good time. i went to my house to grab something, and when i came back out, it started raining. silky hair + rain - umbrella = crazy hair. i thought i was okay at first. it looked like a blow out. then five minutes later, i felt my hair, and it was a layer of straight, a middle layer of afro, and a top layer of waves. it was all bad.

it kept on raining, so i did the only thing i could do: let the rain hit all my hair and let it all 'fro up. (i couldn't take any pictures. it was that bad, ya'll.)

so three styles later that week, i was on BGLH and saw this post about turbans. they looked so cute, so i had to try it. i talked to a male co-worker who had worn turbans back in the day and suggested i try an old t-shirt.

i went home and got to twisting and gave myself a challenge: wear a turban every day for a week.

here's the first one i tried:

friday

saturday
another t-shirt

i went to my late great aunt's house to clean, and found that she had several turbans, clothes, and tons of unused fabric. (she was a seamstress.) of course, i took everything i wanted.

sunday
aunt mildred's turban

monday
turban
(excuse this whole pic. i was tired, ya'll.)

wednesday
jacket turned turban

the jacket
my great aunt made this herself and i loved the print
(got the matching tier skirt, too!)

thursday
turban made out of fabric
(there's an OOTD post coming for this look!)

friday
fabric turned turban

we just came back from a fire drill and it was ridic hot
my goal for the grand finale was a huge badu-esque headwrap,
but it looked crazy and i didn't have enough time to play with the height/shape

today
fabric turned turban
(yeah i'm just waking up. don't i look like a little kid?!)

i must say that even though i started this challenge in a whim and with no time and minimal planning, it was really awesome. last week the weather here was stupid, misting all week with occasional storms then peeks of sunshine. having a minimal style was right on time.

i have to thank natural belle for being my guide on this. her tutorials on her blog were priceless. check them out here and here. i also have to thank my co-worker andre for making me realize i could use what i had in my closet. never thought i could use a jacket and a t-shirt.

are you feeling the turban/head wrap trend? have you tried it yet?

the chain

2011-05-19T21:08:00.000-04:00

i always joke with my sister that she's the mean one, of the two of us. that i'm super sweet and she's the evil one. it wasn't until a recent conversation like this that she shared something with me: my anger is buried deep down, until provoked. i rarely get mad but when i do, i kinda snap.

of course i laughed hearing that. where did that notion come from? i'm generally a nice person. i am human, and therefore have my issues with people, but i wouldn't characterize myself as mean. she disagreed and gave me examples of how mean i am (a nickname i gave my mother years ago that pissed my mother off, clowning people, and how quickly i replace/delete people from my life, without really caring).

but that wasn't the worst part.

she told me that one day i got so mad, i scared her. i literally hit someone with a computer. slapped them with it several times. then i doused that person with Sunkist.* that i was essentially winning the fight, but what she saw in my eyes scared her.

did i mention i was 17 and she was 16 when this happened?

i honestly don't remember doing this. i recall parts of the event. i remember why i was provoked. i remembered every day feeling like if i could just make it one more day. but if i didn't, if something else happened... i wasn't sure what i was capable of. i guess i found out.

unfortunately, one of the things i learned in my childhood is that if i can just deny my feelings and put on a brave face, i can make it through. forget the fact that i'm not allowing myself to feel and understand my emotion. i just had to survive through it.

hearing that story alarmed me because i didn't believe i was capable of that type of behavior. but it also showed me why i am the way i am. i believe in wholeheartedly feeling my emotions. if i'm uncomfortable. awkward. whatever. i have to state it. and i realize that no one probably cares and may make other people laugh or feel uncomfortable, but spending years of my life not being able to openly identify my feelings has made it imperative that i speak on them.

and secondly, i let myself feel that emotion as long as i need to. i have a natural tendency to want to put a positive spin on stuff, to be all Zen and hopeful about it. and while having faith is necessary, it's also important for me to be honest with myself.

right now? i'm trying to find ways to escape my loneliness. i'm overwhelmed by being a (soon to be official) co-homeowner. i'm scared if what i want for a career is really for me, so i'm dragging my feet in doing it. i'm conflicted on my weight. my 26 birthday is fast approaching and it's messing with my head. just to name a few things.
but i've identified it. will address it. and will move on. i can't say that for my former self.

so why am i addressing this now? i'm currently reading women, food, and God and i'm trying to identify my core issue(s). i don't think i'm the angry, sad, depressed girl i once was. but i know i'm not where i want to be. sometimes, i still feel like the smart, cute little girl who was going through puberty, hearing her father berate her body and seeing few people who looked like her. but it has to be deeper than that. my problem started before him, but only got worse.

i'm no longer the girl that snapped. but i am the girl who starves herself during work hours and gourges at home. someone hurt me, so i hurt people. now, i'm hurting myself. i need to stop it.

*editor's note: the person wasn't badly injured, just bruised. i was punished, of course.

happy birthday, marie augustine

2011-05-05T10:30:00.005-04:00

on this day, my hair is one years old. ::throws confetti::

i decided to make her a little fancy and do a length check, despite going to the 2011 world natural hair health and beauty show:

blow dried
look at my length, ya'll!

yes, i did the blue extensions

just call me silky

i got my blue clip-in extensions from sally's for $13 a pack, and i got two packs. it was a little pricey, but considering i had been fawning over this blue hair for months, i thought it was a decent price. that night, i pin curled my hair, and fingered it out the next morning. i surprised all my co-workers with how nice it looked. (they were really expecting the worst):

less curly and a bit frizzy, but still pretty

i got tons of products and t-shirts while at the hair show (yay product reviews!), and even managed to keep the straight look up. my straight hair was brought up by strangers at least three times, but fortunately no one was rude about it. and i completely suck for not charging my camera because i couldn't take a single picture due to a dead battery while at the hair show. (i know. bad blogger.)

fresh off the bus
photo credit

at the huetiful booth
(l-r) me, tracy, afrobella, & lamanda
photo credit

day 2
a few of the 54 women i road down to the hair show with
photo credit

by day five, my hair was still holding strong:

my hair wrapped

so here's just some random thoughts about marie augustine and natural hair, in general:

i'm so grateful that louisville has a thriving natural hair community. there are several different groups for natural hair, including naturally flyy ky, let's talk natural, and derby city naturals, and plenty of natural hair salons, including my beloved harmonious roots hair salon. i'll never have to worry about being the only natural around or not having someone i can talk to in person about my hair.
the first full day i wore my straight hair, i couldn't believe how heavy, hot, and itchy it was. someone should've told me.
seeing all the lovely loc'd ladies at the hair show made me really get an itch for locs. i had total hair envy.
this is the longest my hair has been that i can remember. i can't believe how much it's grown in only a year. hello, clavicle length. (yes, i made that up. and yes, you can steal it.)
i'm glad i didn't dye my hair blue. by day 3, i was bored with the pieces. ::laughs::
i'll admit i was lightweight obsessed with length. i kinda still am, but only because the more hair i have, the more updos i can do.
wash & go's are NOT my friend. when in doubt, i rock the 'fro.
i love my hair exactly as it is, and can't wait to see where this journey takes me.

things i'd wish i'd known sooner:

enjoy every stage your hair is in. it's beautiful.
you're gonna get ridiculously bored, super easily. just deal with it.
color will be your nemesis.
long hair just means longer twisting time. there's drawbacks to everything.
find the balance between being a hair junkie and afraid to try new products. there's some new, good stuff that may be worth your while.
people will look at you differently with your different styles and may treat you differently. know it and keep it moving.

i'm really going to try hard to keep my straight hair for at least two weeks and play with some styles. i don't know how it's going to turn out, but i know that worst case scenario, i can just wash it and let my 'fro breathe.

have a great hair week, everyone!

yet another single girl post

2011-05-04T00:01:00.004-04:00

my crazy ex-boyfriend (not MNL/PAC), added me as a friend on facebook.

when i saw the email notification, i almost (literally) screamed out loud. i went to his page, saw his profile pic of him and some chick, but couldn't see anything else. immediately, i called my sister and chanda. i decided to be his friend, merely to meddle, at the prodding of my private eye best friends. what i found out initially angered me--he's now engaged--but it also opened my eyes.

when i dated him, i was in a horrible place. i was working at a temp agency and was between assignments. wasn't in school. newly kicked out of my mother's house. and in a very bad mindset. he was initially an escape that eventually became a burden and a terror. during the nine months we were together, i became this person i didn't recognize. conservatively dressed. muted. isolated. a chick that paid all the bills in the household, including a car note and insurance when she couldn't drive. unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

then came the abuse that i didn't recognize until later. a couple shakes, a broken phone, and one burn scar from a pizza fresh from the oven thrown against my back later, i finally woke up. wrote him a check, which i stopped payment on, and forced him to get out, for good, by the grace of God.

so nearly four years later, it surprised me that he wanted to be my friend. i laughed at him and his fiance. he was balding and i was way prettier than her. in that moment, i won.

but then i realized, the abusive dude with PTSD that couldn't keep it up finally found someone who wanted to commit her life to him. and i'm alone. in what world is this real, where Spongebob Soft Dick (SSD) has love and I don't?!

i let myself feel that 30 seconds of envy before coming to my senses. i wouldn't dream about being the girl i was four years ago, now. she was hurt. bitter. broken. and as many problems/flaws i have now, i've come such a long way. and i had this epiphany:

being single sucks a big, fat hairy dick with small balls on a short, fat, hairy man like george constanza from seinfeld (cue me & the former bestie, circa 2004 or 2005). sleeping alone sucks. not having affection when you want it sucks. waking up alone sucks. seeing people in love when you're all alone sucks.

but you know what sucks worse? being in a bad relationship. being abused physically and emotionally. feeling as though the only way he'll be okay with you is if you're someone other than yourself.

i posted on facebook: ya'll, if i start downing myself for being single, just say 'girl... spongebob,' and i'll remember i did worse not being single.

if that ain't progress, ya'll, i don't know what is.

the a words

2011-05-02T22:16:00.001-04:00

when i was a child, i always saw adults being fake with each other, giving each other titles they didn't really mean or committing to things they wouldn't do.

i remember being at a grocery store with my mother one day, when an old friend approached her, and she said "girl, we have got to get together." the woman agreed, and they exchanged numbers. after the lady left, i told her she was lying and had no intention of hanging with her. she told me she knew but it was just something adults said to each other. even then, as a child, that didn't sit well with me.

so, yes, now i'm a label whore and a stickler for only committing to things i am definite about doing. my love for labels it helps me to identity things for what they truly are. my life is compartmentalized and structured, and i like it that way. as far as people in my life, my circle, there's usually only one title: friend. i've tried the whole association thing, and it hasn't worked for me. it feels fake and foreign to me. i feel like my mother, just feeding someone lip service.

but what do you do when there's someone you like being around in a group but that you don't trust with anything beyond the surface, superficial ish of your life? that you'll always be around due to mutual interests and friends but someone that you can only tolerate in small doses? what do you do then?

that's the position i'm in now.

i've seen "associate" and "acquaintance" and "activity partner" as such bad words, that i don't see them for what they truly are. just words. just labels. just identifiers.

over the past few weeks, i've been finding out that sometimes everyone around you isn't meant for the title of friend. some people get the title and deserve ~~to be demoted to~~ a less demanding position in your life. that doesn't make them a bad person or unworthy of a place in your life and heart. it's just a matter of them showing you who they are, you seeing it for what it is, and acknowledging that your friendship isn't mutually fulfilling. and that's a-okay.

product review: karen's body beautiful

2011-04-26T00:01:00.003-04:00

disclaimer: i received these products for free from naturally flyy ky specifically to do a product review. karen's body beautiful is one of her sponsors.

i am not a product junkie, and i am really skeptical about new products. everything ultimately gets compared to giovanni, which has been one of the few products lines that works for me, no matter what, and the price is perfect. with that being said, i wanted to be fair, so i used the products throughout the past week and did not check the prices until saturday.

throughout the week, i replaced my coconut oil with sweet ambrosia. i used it on my dry hair, and it was just okay, not horrible but not magnificent.

my goodies:
butter love,
sweet ambrosia leave-in conditioner,
ultimate conditioning shampoo,
and complete hair conditioner

then i used the butter love. now that was a whole, different story. i'm not a butter girl. at all. while some people swoon over shea butter, i scoff at it. my hair doesn't like it. but butter love? as soon as i tried it, i was in love. it looks really thick, but it's a nice consistency that's perfect for twisting your hair and added shine and moisture. a little definitely goes a long way with this product.

i gave the sweet ambrosia another try, and it finally won me over. the smell was really nice and light, and it seems to work perfectly with the butter love.

so when it was wash day, i was really excited. i thought, "if the leave-in and the butter works, the shampoo and conditioner should be my newest loves." well... that's not exactly what happened.

i tried the ultimate conditioning shampoo, and at first it was okay. it smelled a little weird, which turned me off a little. and it didn't really lather up that well, despite my hair being washed only 5 days prior and having minimal product buildup. when i rinsed, i noticed my hair was hard. i gave it another lather and noticed the same thing, intensified. my hair felt clean, but the shampoo seemed better for clarifying than conditioning.

i immediately followed the shampoo with the complete hair conditioner and didn't like it much better. i left it on, bagged, for about 20 minutes, then detangled. my hair felt moisturized, but it didn't wow me.

i towel dried my hair, then applied the sweet ambrosia. it worked so much better on wet hair than dry hair. my hair felt super soft and i couldn't keep my hands out of it.

look at that shiny, moisturized hair

i decided to start my bantu knots that night, and after i had sectioned off my hair, i applied the butter love to that section. it worked really well for me, even more so than using my conditioner/water mix which i love. right then and there, i was sold.

after butter love was applied to that section

so here is the low down:

i would not purchase the shampoo or conditioner. i don't like the squeaky clean/clarifying feel of the ultimate conditioning shampoo and my suave naturals worked better than the complete hair conditioner. (i am giving it to my bestie chanda, and hopefully she'll have better luck with it.)
i would purchase the sweet ambrosia and butter love. they work perfect together, especially on wet/damp hair. these products are now a part of my hair regimen.

i was happy to find out the prices aren't crazy high. although not as cheap as the giovanni, the end result justifies the slightly higher price tag. you can purchase karen's body beautiful products on their website or locally at go natural! hair and body boutique.

natural hair round up: week 49

2011-04-24T18:17:00.003-04:00

on monday, a female co-worker (jokingly) told me i was straight out the 80s. tuesday, a different, male co-worker told me my hair was so big he could take a nap in it. and on friday, he said i went from a king (size bed) to a cot. ::laughs:: clearly, i had a very playful hair week.

i started off monday attempting a wash and go, then realized, my hair HATES them. so i did one of the styles i posted last week:

i liked this look
80s or otherwise, i was fly

to put a bit of a damper in the week, i did take this picture and realize i was thinning in the back because of my bonnet. since then, i used my other bonnet and have thrown the other away.

yeah, that's definitely not okay.
luckily i don't wear my hair up that much,
but this is being remedied ASAP

tuesday, i went for my 'fro.

i feel so pretty with my 'fro out

::swoons all over my own self::

and i was feeling my hair so much,
i posted this on fb

that night, i twisted my hair to get a really cute twistout:

this took entirely too long...

but the end result was cute

i didn't re-twist it, so that morning, i just pulled the bottom half back into a ponytail and wore the top out:

but by the end of the day, i just banded it:

friday, i wore my 'fro out and decided to get started testing the karen's body beautiful shampoo and conditioner, but that'll be another post. the end result was bantu knots. took me about an hour and a half for these:

not super fly, but they''ll do

mostly twisted with my own hair, but some knots required pins

me and traci at the DCN meetup at go natural! hair and body boutique
(picture taken by ru)

i usually win stuff at meetups, and yesterday was no different. i purchased the tangle teezer and won everything else:

a much needed bonnet (which is pretty awesome)
some mixed chicks samples
and some carol's daughter samples

this bonnet is wonderful.
didn't come off once while i slept, and lays in the back below my hairline

today, while cleaning my late great aunt/me and my sister's house, i found this hat and decided to keep it.

it works really well with my turquoise shirt :)

i think i'm gonna wear my bantu knots one more day. i really had to get over myself and just wear my bantu knots out in public, but so far, i'm loving them, even though i've gotten weirder looks than usual. oh well. my product review of karen's body beautiful will be posted no later than tuesday. and honestly, i was surprised with what i found.

hope everyone has a great hair week!

this i declare

2011-04-20T10:00:00.004-04:00

me and the bestie chanda were having a conversation about a tweet she saw, where someone (out of jest, i hope) said that they'd set it off if they saw/read about one more person getting engaged. we both laughed at the absurdity of that comment, but also in the truth of that feeling.

this is another reason where facebook is the devil. you get status updates on how your former classmates/friends/etc. are getting engaged and having babies. moving to another city and traveling around the world. and going from single to being in a relationship, where the world gets to "like" it and fawn over the union.

and last week, within two minutes of randomly perusing facebook, i found out a co-worker got engaged and a former classmate is preggers with baby number two. i immediately thought, "aww. that's awesome. congrats."

but then... something hit me. perhaps insecurity. and i thought: everybody i graduated with either has children or is getting engaged/married. and here i am... in the same city, working the same job, single... and commenced having a short-lived pity party.

as much as i try to stay in my own lane and focus on me, it's hard to see people have what you want, and unintentionally flaunt it.

love seems to be that thing that will make your existence greater. i've been on a movie kick and all of the movies i watched dealt with love. in up in the air, ryan bingam discovered that his life of isolation was restricting him from really living. and once he found that one girl, he saw what he had been missing and a whole new world of possibility was opened up for him.

and even in the uber heartbreaking the reader, hanna schmitz lived her life without true love. she had amazing casual sex and found the joy of books. (she may have even used sex as a lure to be read to.) but in the end, she was alone.

yes, these are fictional stories, but the point is still valid. and sometimes, i'll randomly think of that woman who died, never having been married, and donated all her $7 million fortune to her alma mater. that's a cautionary tale for me. i don't want to have all this material, tangible wealth, travel the world, and have these awesome adventures all by myself. and die alone.

so yes. i will proudly admit: sometimes, seeing couples together makes me uncomfortable. awkward. jealous. insecure. i'm on the brink of bitterness, but i'm trying to stop it from getting that far. bitter janelle was... ::pauses:: she's in the past, and will remain there.

it's just hard to be the single girl when you realize you have so much to offer. and you're ready. but it's not your time. it's hard to tell yourself that it will happen for you and be better than you imagine, when you honestly don't believe that lie.

this is not a pity party. this is not my plea for comments or thoughts of girl... you're gonna find him when the time is right. or focus on something else...

this is a declaration, an acknowledgement to myself. being single sucks. waiting on the person that gets me and my simultaneous neuroses and shallowness sucks. practicing patience sucks. but this is a teaching moment that i'm choosing to undertake. so i'll sit in it. and stew with it. and find my way around lonely. (cue elizabeth gilbert.)

natural hair round up: week 48

2011-04-17T23:03:00.003-04:00

i started off good. i was playing with my updo and loving it.

wednesday

but then boredom set in and i missed my target. last week, i said i hoped i could go at least until saturday. unfortunately, thursday night, i started taking it down.

twistout

friday
day 1 twistouts are blah for me

by today, my twistout was a wrap, so i used my trusty goody's ouchless headband:

i promise i haven't worn the same shirt three times... lol
i didn't realize how many white v neck tees i have :)

and before i washed my hair, i started playing:

hair pinned up, like i do with my 2STs

and i played with the shape/styling in the front

a bit 'hawk-ish
that back scares me a little.
idk if i'm balding or if it's just growing like that...

a little rihanna-ish

::in wendy williams's voice:: how you doin'?

i'm gonna try out these styles (but more polished) this week. as cute as they were, my hair needed to be washed. as i'm typing this, i'm deep conditioning, which i badly needed. but i'm so grateful i made it almost a full month with these 2STs. yay!

i have good news: i went to the naturally flyy ky meetup on saturday. rashida, the founder of the group, was kind enough to provide me with some (full size!!!) karen's body beautiful products, so i'll be doing a product review probably next week.

can't wait to try these!

have a great hair week!

awards

2011-04-12T21:07:00.003-04:00

last week i got awarded by natural review by l for the stylish blogger award. yay! (and thanks!) if you don't remember, i posted her link for her henna recipe a couple months back. she has an amazing blog, so check her out, if you don't already know her. (she's a pretty big deal. lol.) also, she's having a jamila henna contest, so you may wanna hurry...

and i also got awarded the kreativ blogger award from zakiya of big badd wolf. totally love her blog and that the title of her posts are from a song she's currently listening to. total hair porn and has great style.

the stylish blogger rules:
+ thank and link back to the person that awarded you this award
+ share 7 things about yourself
+ award 15 recently discovered great bloggers
+ contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

the kreativ blogger rules:
+ Say 10 facts about yourself.
+ Tag 10 bloggers
+ Tell them about the award

since i'm a rebel, i'm just gonna do this my way and combine them. you'll get 10 facts and 15 18 fashion/natural hair/life blogs that i love, some are things i read and comment often, some are recently discovered, and some are great friends who happen to blog their awesomery. and by blogs, i mean whatever i wanna use, including tumblrs.

let's get to the facts:

before the mayer concert
march 2010

blue is my favorite color.
i can't just wake up when an alarm goes off. i have to gradually let my body wake up. that being said, my alarm goes off at 6, 7, 7:30, 8, and 8:15. (i know. it's a bit much, but it tricks my mind.)
i keep most of the fortunes from the fortune cookies i get and post them on my fridge or my cube at work.
i hate cleaning with a passion.
when i was a baby, my leg was crooked and they had to break it on order to correct it. so for my first six months or so, i wore a cast.
when i was kid, i used to wrote songs on my piano. the first one was titled "jesus loves me this i know."
i find it funny that i'm shallow because the stuff in my head is super neurotic. so it balances itself out.
my younger sister is taller than i am.
my favorite foods are cinnamon toast crunch, macaroni and cheese, fried tilapia, and corn and peas.
i get my fashion sense from my grandmother and her sisters. they were so fly and made their own clothes.

golden (my grandfather) and his sister-in-law, my aunt mildred
(somehow gusta, my grandmother, golden's wife got cut off in the pic)
they're at someone's dinner party

i'd like to present this award to:

brokey mcpoverty

britters

cher/derby city naturals

south loop social light

the tale of going natural

economy of style

supercoils

fuck yeah curls curls curls

marfmellow

gary pepper vintage

jazzi mcg

natural hair round up: week 47

2011-04-10T21:35:00.002-04:00

i had a good hair week, if i do say so myself. boredom truly was setting in, so no matter how much i loved my 2STs without any extras, i had to do something, even if it was something small. and so i got this:

monday: pinned up the side
(look at my faded tattoo. smh.)

then i decided to curl it on my satin foam rollers:

wednesday
i love the curl definition

as usual, i just wet it my conditioner/distilled water mix, and set them on the largest foam rollers i had. i kept the curly look and just played with the front a bit more over the week:

friday, a little floppy in the front

saturday
this is less about my hair and more about my look, but oh well

and today, i tried yet again to pin up the back, and got some success. this was a last minute idea, and i set them on mostly the smallest foam rollers i had to get more definition and volume:

i have no idea what i'm gonna do to it next. i'm itching to do a twistout with these thicker twists and then a bantu knot out. luckily, i have more time to play with it than i usually do. (i usually get my hair done every 4 weeks but this month, it ended up being 5 weeks.) i wanna see how much mileage i can get out of this pinned up look before i got bored again. i'm aiming for at least saturday.

::fingers crossed::

hope everyone had as great of a hair week as i did!

MNL vs. PAC

2011-04-06T09:00:00.010-04:00

i've always dreamed vividly, even as a child. my dreams at night were so bad, i'd have to feign like i was a television and turn the channel because some of the stuff in my head was too scary. but some of my dreams were awesomesauce. like last week, when i dreamt melissa beck and i were friends, and we were in d.c. her hubby justin (whose band i'm obsessed with!!!) was dishing with me about music and trying to fix me up with some nice local boys, but only found me the hella foine but ho-ish bartender. and me and their uber cute baby shalom mazie had an adorable moment. and somehow barack obama was thrown in there, in all his sexy, charming glory, shook my hand, and made my life.

some dreams are just fun and are of things i'm subconsciously wanting. and then other dreams are more of my subconscious speaking to me. friday was one of those dreams.

i dreamt i was in a counterfeit ring. and i was with a bunch of people i seemed really cool and close with, that i didn't know in real life. and i had a new good friend (again, who i didn't know in real life) who was dating my ex. (MNL/PAC ex.) out of insecurity, jealousy, or just being territorial, i jokingly made a point to drop little nuggets like girl... how did he ask you out? his co-worker asked who i was, and he randomly told her i was his girlfriend... and one morning, i woke up early, and read his book while held me, then he kissed me, and you know... has he told he he's been writing a book? just being petty.

and then we were walking in some office, and while i was walking in front of him, i began to slow down and walk with him, backing it up against him as we walked together. so when we reached our destination, i sat on a couch next to him, in front of her, my leg between his, his hand on my thigh, and just laughed. then said to her, sarcastically, "oh. i guess YOU should be sitting next to your boyfriend..."

initially i just brushed it off as me being territorial, and knowing that all dudes i've had, in the past, present, and future will always be mine and i'm the best woman they've ever been with, regardless if i want them or not.

but then last night, in the silence of darkness and a big bed, alone, i wondered: does the dream mean i miss him? that i'm still not over this whole breakup thing? was my calling him punk ass chauncey (PAC) my way of minimizing me calling him my soul mate, that one dude that would always be there, hence the title Mr. Next Lifetime (MNL)?

::shrugs::

what i do know is that i saw my future with that man. it just felt right, like home. his nook was my heaven. he was that dude that made me laugh until i cried all the time, made me feel safe, and want to hold hands. i wanted to be "the affectionate girl" around him.

i felt like he got me. that yeah, i'm this hella shallow, sometimes materialistic person, but it's only because i now have the chance to be and not think of these huge things, like where i'd be staying that day, if my mom would go psycho on me again, or my dad randomly popping up to say something crazy to me. that i didn't have this ideal childhood/adolescence, and that after being a workaholic, and on my grind at school, the least thing i could do is shower myself with some clothes. but i was this shallow, smart girl that showed him my soul and depth whenever he wanted.

i felt like he got that i'm this supposed "bad girl" but am really a good girl dressed up as a bad girl, who does bad things sometimes, for fun or just to see how it'll turn out. (edit: i feel a future post about that whole line right there...)

i thought he got that although i loved our intimacy, the best part was afterwards, with him holding me, and us talking. me not being afraid to open up to him, without him prodding. us having deep talks. discussing david's fall from grace because of a woman and the parallels and contrasts of solomon, his son. and our ambitions. and those moments that made us who we are as adults. in that space, i was authentically me, in a way i rarely was/am on a daily basis.

i thought me bearing myself, and telling him my deepest, darkest secrets, and hearing some of his as well, meant something.

and i think that's what scares me. maybe the dream was a smidge about me being territorial. but more so about me wondering about what he's doing now. he's a handsome, ridiculously charming dude, so if he doesn't already have a girl, he has a bunch of groupies throwing it at him. the fact that he was a passive participant in the dream makes me wonder if he loved me as much as i loved him. cuz chile. i loved that man with my whole heart. and he was right: i loved him before i actually thought the words, over a year and a half ago.

i can always call him punk ass chauncey, to make me feel better. but even though he's a liar and didn't fight for me, he'll always be my first love. the love that showed me that i do want love, forever and unconditionally. that behind the girl who loves being casual is a girl who wants the guy who will be there every night.

he is the guy that showed me that no matter how strong my love is for another person, the love i have for myself will always come first. that i need to be bold and courageous in expressing my dissatisfaction and moving forward. and that i want a partner who will outwardly fawn over me as much as i fawn over him.

i'm not yet at indifference, but somewhere past hate. and no, i don't want him back. i just... i miss the good times. the deep talks. the marathon games of rummy where'd he kill me like 200 to 40. the woman i was with him. i just... i don't know.

no, i do know. and keeping it all the way 100, i just wanna know if he's having a hard time dealing with the breakup as much as i am. if he feels like he messed up. if he remembers why he loved me. but in my heart, i know he's dealing with the breakup just fine and is moving on. i'm in the box of past, and that box is permanently closed.

blah.

natural hair round up: week 46

2011-04-03T18:51:00.001-04:00

this week i was lazy, but for good reason. i really wanted to see how long i could keep these 2STs before i have to play with them.

the upside of thicker 2STs is that my twistout will be way better and the actual style lasts longer for me. (i'm hoping to go at least two weeks, then i'ma get ridiculously bored.) the downside is i don't think i can do my usual updo's with them.

more of this:

thursday

and less of this:

last month's 2STs

then i got hit with the rain on april fools:

i gues that's what i get trying to work OT, smh

and today, since it's ridiculously warm outside, i'm wearing my sheer top from forever 21, shorts from asos, and combat boots from bakers. just call me jodecia:

left: taken a year ago
middle: gpoy
right: after working a couple hours today, at work

i hope you enjoy the weather wherever you are. this week, i'm contemplating a regular twistout or a bantu knot out. idk yet. but anyway, have a great hair week.

pretty janelle (the girl behind the braces)

2011-03-29T21:39:00.002-04:00

i've ranted, tweeted, fb'd about my pains as a braceface. initially, i took solace is knowing that at least after enduring all the pain and agony with braces, i wouldn't have to worry about dating with them. but alas, life happens and changes plans.

in the two months i've had them, i've adjusted pretty well. i've been staying away from most no no foods. (i admit i did give in and eat two kernels of popcorn recently, and soon after, knew it was a bad idea.) i've learned how to floss with them without it taking all day. (tip: make a knot of the floss on the threader. it'll save so much time.)

but one thing i haven't really felt is pretty. cute? yes. edgy? yes. well groomed? yes. but pretty? eh, not so much.

it's shallow, but whatever. i'm shallow, sometimes. and feeling pretty is a feeling i didn't feel growing up, so now, as an adult, it's important. everybody has told me i look the same with them on, but i don't feel that way. and my opinion is the only one that really matters.

so like i said, i didn't really feel pretty, as a braceface, until i saw this pic:

saturday night

the first place my eye goes is my eyes, then my earrings, then my smile. lastly, i see the braces. i haven't been able to see that janelle in a while. i usually see the braces, then the other stuff. but i saw beyond the braces. and i can say: hey. that girl is pretty. she looks like the girl i used to see in the mirror.

i don't know if it's because i'm getting over myself or what, but my braces are a non-issue for me now. i want perfect teeth, so i gotta do the work to get them. if someone is shallow enough to hate on me because of it, then i don't need them around me, braces or no braces.

i'm embracing the braceface so much that i decided to get color on them. i really wanted electric blue (i'm kinda obsessed with it right now...), but they didn't have it. i opted instead for carolina blue. purple will be next time.

check my metal :)

random tidbits:

i heart nymag's the week in street style for the following reasons: (all photos from nymag)

::swoons::
jazzi mcg

i so need this look for the summer
nicole warne of gary pepper vintage

the epitome of color popping, in a chic, understated way
delmy

i guess you can blame nymag for my new obsession with lookbook.nu. i've tried to stay away from it, because i knew i'd be obsessed, but today, i checked it. let the obsession begin.
a couple people have asked me if i lost weight recently. i don't know if i have, my clothes are fitting better, or if they're just being nice. whatevs.
i've given up shopping until april 28th, when i go to atlanta for the natural hair show. wish me luck!

and i'm out this piece.

natural hair round up: week 45

2011-03-27T20:52:00.003-04:00

i completely suck this week. the one great hair style i had, i didn't take (good) pics of.

ya'll should know by now i'm not a heavy re-twister, so it was only out of semi-boredom that while watching my life as liz on tuesday night, i decided to re-twist my bantu knots. my hair was starting to get a little dusty looking, but it seemed pointless, as i was getting my hair done the very next day.

so i twisted, and 20 minutes later, i had really cute bantu knots that stayed by themselves without any bobby pins. then i had a duh moment and thought: um... ma'am. your twistouts only look good with dry hair re-dampened... so i undid each bantu knot, wet them with my conditioner/water mix, and retwisted.

i woke up the next morning to gloriously luscious hair. i was feeling myself, so i had to twitpic it. good thing i did because i totally didn't take any other pics of it:

bko without 2STing first

this pic is just okay, and i could kick myself for not taking more, but my hair was soo cute. i didn't think i'd get this much definition from the style, but i must say: i'm a bantu knot out fan, for real.

mine didn't look as cute as my girl tracy's, but still:

me & tracy at a party at ernesto's last night
picture taken by cher

i got my 2STs again, and made my stylist do them thicker. i like these a lot better than my usual twists.

i guess after a certain amount of time, even the mac gives out.
excuse the eyeshadow, smh...

and more pics from last night:

we naturals roll deep

idk what i was doing with my dress... lol

i do have a dilemma, though. on my next appointment, it will be nearing my one year anniversary, and i want something different, i.e. color. the bad thing, my texture is adverse to color. and by adverse, i mean, it straightens my hair to the point i can't twist it. at all. but even still, i want it. and i REALLY want an electric blue like callie from grey's anatomy.

she's sooo stunning.

or even tina cohen-chang from glee:

i. heart. this. whole. look.

my stylist said those are pieces, but i'm really adamant on getting color, even if it's only a chunky streak in the front. does anyone have any suggestions/tips?

have a great hair week!

i am a c, i am a c-h...

2011-03-22T10:30:00.007-04:00

i was brought up in the church, the seventh day adventist church to be exact. growing up, i remember singing a song:

i am a c.
i am a c-h.
i am a c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n.
and i have c-h-r-i-s-t in my h-e-a-r-t
and i will l-i-v-e e-t-e-r-n-a-l-l-y...

lately, i've been asked a lot "do you go to church" and i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what to label myself. this was partially because the truth makes people uncomfortable.

i really wanted to say "no, i don't attend church service at this current juncture. i was brought up in the church and accept the Lord as my savior, and went to church consistently as an adult, but church is not for me right now. not that that's any of your business because it's my personal relationship, and i didn't ask anything about your relationship with Him just because you attend church. but you're judging me anyway, so i might as well give you some background. with that being said, i love that you love going to church and are attempting to save me..." but i thought that would be a bit much. so i've merely said no and tried to shake (and internalize) the look of judgement and pity.

that was the start of me thinking, "what am i? what do i believe as my truth?" i believe in all paths to God. i believe there is one God with many names and many different responsibilities we put on Him, to achieve His glory and enlightenment. i believe God is more of a unisex being but out of formality, i say He. i believe that there is no one religion or demonimation more saved than another. i believe that in order for me to live, sanely, i must believe in a higher being; i personally don't understand atheism but that doesn't make someone an immoral person condemned to hell, just a non-believer, simple as that.

with that information, i changed my religious view on fb (i know. i'm side eyeing myself...) from "i believe to all paths to God; mine is through Christianity" to "...mine is through spirituality." typing it, it didn't sit well with me. i felt like it was inaccurate. but i kept it. sat with it.

and i realized, i'm a Christian in the traditional sense: a follower of Christ. and while i don't ascribe to the current definition of one, i still loves me some Jesus. i still just want God. i want God inside me. i want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water (cue elizabeth gilbert).

i try to talk to God daily, even if it's an informal "hey, jesus. thank you for all that you've done. you're pretty awesome..." (who said prayers have to be so formal all the time anyway?!) and i've been pretty good at reading a chapter a day of the Bible, which i've been doing for over a year now.

and i need to work on having faith. it's just hard for me because i feel like i never should've made it to the place i'm currently at. me and my sister are still here, sane, and doing as well as we are, only by the grace of God. literally. i overcame and soared beyond the cards that i was dealt. my heart is resilient, i let people in, and i'm happy. go figure. but i always wonder in the back of my head: how much more can i expect Him to do? i need to get over that...

i loves me some Jesus. i am His follower. and because of that, i am a Christian. a non-church going Christian that has her own growing relationship with Him. bump all that other ish.

natural hair round up: week 44

2011-03-20T20:55:00.003-04:00

thank God for friends and random ideas. my new growth was/is ridic, so i needed something to take the attention away from it. i decided to rod my hair, and it came out better than pictured:

thursday

i heart this side...

friday
day 2 wasn't as great as day 1

but still cute

and then i got inspired to do something a bit different: a bantu knot out.

tracy did a bantu knot out a couple weeks ago that had me swooning. her hair looked exactly like tracee ellis ross' all big and voluminous. (i knew i shoulda taken a pic...) she told me how she did it, but i forgot, so while on the phone with cher, i asked about it, and began the process. i took about 4-6 2STs and bantu knotted them.

i shoulda worn this look out, though

it was really cute

i wore that style overnight until about 6p. i moisturized my fingertips with coconut oil and went to work untwisting. 30 minutes later, i got this look:

when i first started untwisting, i thought "this looks so dumb!"
but by the time i was done i was like "ooh. this might be fly..."

lol. boo to brittany for taking this pic
(and uploaidng it on fb!!!)
but i looked cute and silly :)

today, it looks even better, despite me sleeping wild with my bonnet on:

i'm really hoping i can keep this style until i get my hair done wednesday. and now, i think i'm a bantu knot out fan. perhaps these skinny 2STs aren't so bad after all...

and i stretched my hair in the back, and it's past my neck. woot woot!

have a great hair week.

OOTD: the birthday dress remixed

2011-03-15T11:00:00.004-04:00

i loved my birthday dress. it called my name when i saw it in the forever 21 in indy. it is only a large, but i knew the shape and the flowiness of it would be perfect.

august 2010

i always wanted to wear the dress again, but didn't know how to make it less sexy and more chic. while out with my friends, i saw this girl mix black and brown together and it inspired me to create this outfit:

sweater x target
dress & belt f21
jeans x old navy

and this weekend, i decided to try mixing it up once more:

shirt, dress, leggings, & belt x f21
boots from zappo's

and just because i heart this outfit:

sweater x h&m
dress & leggings x f21
boots x bakers

natural hair round up: week 43

2011-03-13T20:29:00.000-04:00

i'm still getting bored with these 2STs. i've tried to play with it a little bit:

lazy day
march 6

march 8

this looked a LOT better in person...

march 10th

this week, i'm probably not gonna do much to it. i'm comtemplating a bantu knot out and a wash and go. what do you do to stretch your styles?

have a happy hair week!

happy

2011-03-08T00:05:00.002-05:00

i had to ask myself a couple days ago: am i happy because my life is void of (mostly) real problems or because i have a regular rollercoaster of a life and overcome my obstacles?

it was a hard thought to process. since i've been happy, my life has been pretty good. no major hiccups. and if there were hiccups, they were very brief. so now that things are rocky, am i still happy?

the answer is a resounding yes.

i can't say that my life sucks because it's pretty freaking awesome. i appreciate and love the woman that i am. i allow myself to feel my emotions, own them, and be okay with said emotion. i have really good friendships that are getting better every day. i have people i can hang out and have random debauchery with.

i am just really good. and although i'm still coming to terms with my breakup and the death of my great aunt, i realize that i'm okay and will continue to be okay. i cannot let my parents have this power over me to mess up my life again.

i go back to my year end wrap up (and yeezie) and think: no one (wo)man should have all that power. except me. so i'm taking the power away from them. i can count on them to disappoint me and cause chaos and drama in my life. and as much as i want to rid them from my life permanently and never see them again, it's impossible. they'll be around. people will ask about them. but i don't have to let their presence affect my disposition.

i can still be myself. i can still have a great life without them. i can still be happy. with no mans, no parents, and a little trouble and stress.

and my girl @nharlem passed this gem along, so i had to pay it forward. you're welcome.

natural hair round up: week 42

2011-03-06T01:20:00.001-05:00

so let's get back to the hair, shall we?

i'm still trying to get the hang of 2STs. i kinda hate them. i'm really trying to give them a chance, but i have a tendency to get bored easily, and i just really prefer my coils. the only problem is my hair is getting too long for coils, so... yeah.

it's been a while, so i'll get you up to date. i tried flat twisting my twists:

feb 12th

i then untwisted the flat twists and in doing so, my twists kinda unraveled too:

feb 15th

i tried untwisting the twists completely and it looked a little something like this:

feb 16th
bad look but hilarious shot
(didn't wear the twistout outside the house)

so of course, i washed it that night. i really wish i hadn't detangled:

after being washed three times and while conditioning

ahh the lusciousness

but instead of keeping it, i detangled and got this lovely ball of hair:

i got called angie stone so much the next day:

that night, i did a dry twistout:

this pic will always crack me up

okay definition

i learned my lesson the hard way: for twistousts, my hair needs to be dry then dampened with my conditioner/water mix to result in a perfect twistout. unfortch, i didn't take pics. i worked about 20 hours that weekend, and i was too tired to.

my hair is currently twisted. next time, i'm gonna request thicker twists. they're just not looking the way i'd like them to, and plus i'm getting bored.

last night, day 10

i see updo's and experimentation in my near future. hopefully my next post won't be so far away. have a happy hair week!

mending a broken heart: trust & truth

2011-03-02T17:42:00.007-05:00

in an attempt to get closure and wake up without my first utterance being "asshole" or "stupid," i thought about why i was really messed up about the breakup: i trusted him.

i told him my innermost thoughts and some of my darkest secrets. there were times that i withheld information, but i can honestly say that i was forthcoming with him most of the time, especially in the past several months. i trusted him enough to not have be his facebook friend and snoop through his page, misconstruing everything i saw. i trusted him with my future. i really did want to be his long-term significant other or wife and mother of his child.

so to find out a ~~lie~~ partial admission of the truth, not from his lips, but through the eyes of facebook is unacceptable. i trusted this man enough to not only share information with him, but also let him drive my car. (with me in the car, of course. i was in love, not stupid.) but he was the first person i allowed to drive my car, besides me.

(there was that one time that my car was pretty much stolen by my mother when she lived with me. the keys were on the table, and when i went to sleep, she drove it. told me in the morning and laughed about it. Lord knows that brought back memories of me as a child, having her take my lunch money from my wallet during the night as i slept.)

but the fact that i trusted him spoke volumes. i trust my parents and their mates to habitually fuck me over, whether directly or indirectly. and i'm always proven right. the only person i really trust is my sister and that's probably... 80%.

i've said this many times but i'll say it again: i've been estranged from every member of my nuclear family at least once. and it didn't phase me for real. i take that back. once the anger wore off, i missed my sister something fierce.

but if family is disposable, no matter how much i'm loving someone at that moment, everyone is disposable to me.

so this whole trust thing is alluding me at this point. i want to trust God and His plan and i realize that all of this stuff happening at once must be in the universe's plan, but truthfully? i don't know if i trust it to work out. i just know i want to not wake up enraged, at my parents or at ~~MNL~~ PAC (cue girlfriends).

i let them steal my happy, and i'm pissed about that. my life isn't some horrible plague, but i don't feel right saying i'm content or happy right now, because i don't feel either of those emotions. i just feel like my character and my resilience is being tested right now.

how do you trust when the people that you should trust have let you down so much? and continue to do so? how do you trust and love when your former he, your first love breaks your heart in the most ridiculous, inane way? how do you trust when you feel hopeless?

::pauses::

i haven't prayed yet. i'm scared to. i know i'm gonna cry. ugly farrah cry. i don't know if i'll be able to find the words. i don't want to utter the words "thy will be done." i want my will; i don't want His. i wanted him (PAC) and was ready to be his she. i take that back, too. i do want my will but i realize our end was for the best. i just want the pain to go away.

maybe one of these days, i'll allow myself to break down and pray. and all of these posts won't be about pain and heartbreak but perhaps about some hair. ::smirks:: maybe one day, i won't think about my parents or PAC and will have a good day, all day.

i can't wait for that day.

here we go again

2011-03-01T20:25:00.001-05:00

if i don't fuck with you, then i don't fuck with you. at all. regardless of the circumstances.

i wish i could say it in another way, but words escape me right now. i guess you could say i'm in angry black girl mode but it may be more like angry daughter mode. nobody will feel me on this until they've been there, and that's okay. i'll walk alone.

but how do i rid myself of the cancer that is my parents? like for good? once i'm in a good place, am working on forgiveness ~~and forgetting~~, they come back with some more bullshit and i start the cycle of rage, contentment, happiness, and forgiveness all over again.

i get called out for not speaking at a funeral to ~~someone~~ some people i haven't spoken to in over a year? (like really? there's a clause in the estrangement rule book that says "in case of a death, all sins will be forgiven and the relationship will be reinstated?" gtfoh.) then i essentially get disowned and my mother is told? really? i don't fuck with her anyway, so i don't care, but damn. am i a kid again?

i coulda sworn i was 25 and had been on my own since i was 17. or maybe all those bills i pay every month and have been for months upon years now were just a fantasy. and i coulda sworn we were in a public place and did my best not to get ugly at a funeral. but i guess that's irrelevant. if i don't fuck with you, i'm still supposed to speak. yeah... don't hold your breath.

i don't do fakeness. i hold grudges until i get over the situation. i remember as much as i can. and i can say without a tinge of hesitation or regret, no, there won't be some big reconciliation on their deathbeds. one day, i'll get to a point where i think about them and not cringe and get all worked up. one day, i'll see them and see past them, with no affect on my disposition.

but as for today, i just wonder, how can i "honor" people that didn't live up to their role? that want to parent adults? how do i keep our names/lives out of their mouths?

i've come to terms that my future children won't know their grandparents on my side. they'll know their great aunt vonne but that's as close as they'll get. i've come to terms that i have to find someone to walk me down the aisle. and as sad as the reality is that i raised myself after the age of 12, it's the truth.

their absences made me who i am. their passive presences made me who i am. their relationships taught me what i absolutely do not want. but right now, in the midst of this hump, of this fuckery, i'm finding myself becoming this angry person i thought i had progressed beyond. and it's not over yet. we still have to get items from aunt mildred's house, so i'll have to see him and his wife again. soon. and have even more drama in my midst.

i want pictures of me and my sister as kids and really want pictures of her and my grandmother gusta in their younger days, but realize there will be a fight for them, so i'll concede. i just want something tangible that reminds me of her. i still have a housecoat gusta used to wear, that i kept from when i was a kid.

i don't want this shit. but it won't escape me and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. now, that truly is hell.

96 hours

2011-02-28T20:19:00.000-05:00

i wish i could see the lesson in what i'm going through right now. in the grand scheme of life, it's minute, but huge in the grand scheme of mine. see, i have first world problems and i'm not handling them too well.

thursday, i got a text about my great aunt passing. friday, i had an argument with a friend. saturday, i sought numbness and a distraction but found no relief. sunday, i found out my ex had been lying about something big. (i swear, facebook is simultaneously the devil and a blessing.)

i was already emotional about the funeral on sunday. about seeing my dad and his wife and the awkwardness that would (and did) ensue. but having to deal with the news about my ex? my exact words were i can't take this shit.

and i can't.

i mean, i'll have to, but how am i gonna deal with a broken heart? how do i deal with knowing that the person i loved, the first man i truly loved, had been lying to me for over a year? how do i recover? how do i deal with the pain of losing a relative that held my family together? that instilled knowledge and jokes within minutes of each other? do i use her life as a lesson? and the life of her sister, my grandmother, gusta?

i want something that seems to be escaping me. something i was ready for, thought i had, that was built on continual lies of omission.

i know that God and the universe puts obstacles in our way to teach us lessons and help us grow. but what is the lesson in all of this? and its timing? i do appreciate that i didn't waste anymore time, money, or energy on an undeserving party, but i just didn't see this in my path.

i see love all around me and it almost sickens me. it's adorable and beautiful but stirs up bitterness and frustration i thought i had moved beyond. i just... i don't get it.

my sister said that i should realize that people have it worse. and i do. i really get that. my life could be worse. i have a good job, make good money, have a home i can afford, food, a car that's almost paid off, and i can pay my bills. i have a somewhat decent circle. and am healthy.

but my heart hurts. the man i saw myself marrying turned out to be a liar. the other he is probably gone for good this time (which make me God/the universe trying to talk to me again). i missed opportunities to learn about my family, sewing, and everything in between from my great aunt. and everytime i hear katy perry's firework, ~~it makes me super emotional~~ i'm on the verge of tears.

how do you keep your happy when your world seems to be falling apart? how do you see the rainbow on the other side when all that's in front of you is the typhoon? how many more tears have to fall before i'm okay?

i don't even know.

the little black dress

2011-02-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

i intentionally don't buy little black dresses that aren't sexy. all of my black attire is fitted, short, low cut, or some combination of the three. but never just a classic little black dress that i could wear at any occasion.

but today, i have to go buy one. i have to find some stupid black dress to wear. a dress that i will hope to never wear again. a dress that will be "the funeral dress." a dress that will carry the weight of the world upon every glance at it, so it'll remain at the very back of my closet.

it will carry the sadness and tinge of regret i feel at losing my great aunt, an aunt i hadn't seen in over a year that i cared for so deeply. it will carry the awkwardness of seeing my father and his wife again and keeping my distance from them. it will carry the realization that on his side of the family, only one other person is there that will always (tangibly) be there for me and my sister: my aunt vonne. it will carry the knowledge that i have no more older relatives on my dad's side; that in my 25 years of life, i've seen them die off, one by one, since i was five. it will carry the sense of tradition and formality that my sister reminded me this side of the family has.

so, i'm going to another funeral. another loss. a beautiful, spirited woman who lived for 93 years, endured a lifetime of struggle, and was ready for the pain to be over. finally.

this is the closest to regret i've ever felt in my life. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

in 2009, i made a point to visit her regularly. to find out my history and why she lived the way she did. then after i stopped talking to my dad, i didn't want to risk seeing him at her house, so i stopped going. and weeks became months...

purely by the grace of God did i find out about her passing. and my heart just sank. i had more things to find out about. i had more history to uncover. i had more stories to learn. she was the closest thing i had to a grandmother, with her sister (my grandmother) dying when i was around 7, her mother (my great grandmother) dying when i was 9, and my maternal grandmother not being lucid enough to talk to me due to her battle with alcoholism and alzheimer's, which she lost the battle in my late teens.

my aunt mildred, she just...

she meant more to me than i realized. i'm really gonna miss her and our talks. she was so strong. and beautiful. and loved clothes and fashion and hair as much as i did.

i just had so much more to learn from her.

this whole situation just puts life into perspective. i almost feel stupid tripping over balancing school with the additional hours i'm having to do at work, coping with a breakup, and trying to stay sane while doing all the above. it's all pointless. my loved ones are greater than all of that stress.

so, i will make her this promise: i won't go so long without seeing my favorite aunt vonne and will receive the knowledge passed down to her.

in the meantime, i'll go shopping for some stupid dress. this weekend, i'll attend yet another funeral that i'll dread going to. i'll bravely walk up to her casket, looking past the shell of the woman before me, and will remember her just as i always had before: as a beautiful, strong, financially savvy, wickedly hilarious and wise woman.

something's gotta give

2011-02-09T11:00:00.001-05:00

one of the things i've come to appreciate about myself is that when i work hard, i work super hard, and have workaholic tendencies. (like most days, i don't leave work until 6, at the earliest.) but when i'm not working, and am trying to relax, i shut myself off from the world. i enjoy my solitude.

this year, i have a lot on my plate. demanding job, which got even busier. braces. school. boyfriend. maintaining my friendships. and trying to fit in sleep, eating, and not crashing into that mix. did i mention i'll be adding mentoring to that list, as well?

the last time i was this busy, i worked so hard, i crashed and literally did nothing for months. i know what got me to that point and i'm choosing to never allow myself to get back to that place, regardless of how stressful certain segments of my life can be.

that being said: something has to give. that something is probably gonna be the blog, among other things.

i'm a perfectionist, so if can't do it right, i don't want to do it. the things that are at the front of my mind are not things i'm willing to share right now, and all the other stuff, i don't really have time to share as much as i did before. i'd rather spend time with the people i love.

and unfortunately, i've fallen all the way off with my 111 day challenge. work is so crazy. i do so much and i literally have to come into work every day and ask what i'm doing today. me working on the computer, with my hands, working with letters, i can't really eat and work. sometimes, i don't eat my first meal until 4p. it's bad, but it's just the reality of my life.

(i know you're asking: "how do you deal with that?" and somehow, my body forgets that its hungry, or i ignore that i am, until i'm almost ready to pass out and make the time to scarf down whatever food is closest to me. when i do take lunch breaks, i end up staying even later at work, to get caught up.)

and i don't have the energy to workout, after working and going to class. honestly, it's just not a priority right now. and the snow ain't helping at all. MNL is starting his workout and eating regimin, so maybe that'll help me get motivated in march or something.

my goals for the challenge were simple: eat three meals a day, drink water, and incorporate working out into my routine. and i knew going in that these would be challenges, but that i would be able to accomplish these goals. yet, i didn't realize how busy i would be, how much of my time would be spent doing things i have to do.

everything i'm doing, i chose to do. it's for the bigger picture. but man, i'll be grateful when this semester is over.

natural hair round up: week 38

2011-02-07T19:27:00.002-05:00

i'm adjusting to my 2STs. i'm still not a big fan, or maybe it's because i LOVE my coils so much, but after wearing them pulled back for a while, i decided to try some updos.

i always let my hair guide me, and it was leaning, so i just bobby pinned it to style it.

please excuse the brows

earrings x f21

heart. this. pic.

i wore this style for a couple days, then while having a girls night at cherilyn's house, i asked for more updo ideas. she suggested i hold down the sides with a scarf, to pull it back, then roll the top to bun it.

i did as recommended, and wore that from saturday night until monday morning. this morning, i unrolled it, and liked the style without bunning it.

i am really loving the elegance i feel having my hair pulled up. but the pins hurt a bit, so i don't know what i'm gonna do with it. i'm tempted to rolled it all over and see how that looks. and i am dying to do a twistout, as i usually do it on week 2 exactly, but i'm unsure how long it'll last. plus, i need to learn to do some new things with a 2ST other than wear it normally. (yes. i'm bored with it already.)

have any tips you can give?

natural hair round up: week 37

2011-02-01T09:00:00.012-05:00

i had a couple pics i didn't post last week but adored:

i co-washed with my suave professionals almond and shea butter
used giovanni direct leave-in
detangled
then smashed my fro

loved the retro look

braided on damp hair to attempt a braid out

i wore my scarf the next day to my ortho appointment. it really made me wish i had a turban, but oh well. i attempted a braid out, but again, i was rushing, and had no time. it turned out horribly, so i brushed it out. (i think my issue is not the braids but the way my braid out lays. it just looks silly to me.)

that morning, i left the house like this:

and by the end of the day, my hair was like this:

flat twist, woot woot!

i finally let my stylist try a 2ST on my hair. after my first time with them (when i first BC'd in may), i was not really feeling them as a style for me to wear more than a week. my hair untwisted the first day, the first day i got them. but my hair has grown a lot since then and my texture is different as well.

when i got them in may 2009:

thursday, january 27, 2011:

my stylist said some of the henna washed out orange while i was being shampoo'd. my color isn't as bright and i really am undecided on how i feel about it.

we'll see how long these 2STs last. they're really pretty, but i don't know if they'll untwist like they did before. or if i'll get bored with them.

have a happy hair week!

i'm officially a braceface

2011-01-30T21:40:00.002-05:00

i got braces on monday.

it took me years, but i finally grew to love my smile
(before my ortho appointment on monday)

and i'm gonna have to grow to love this one, too

i'm not gonna front and say it's been easy. if you follow me on twitter, you'll know that during the early part of the week, i was whining like a child about them. my soft food diet has been a pain. (like... i'm the pickiest eater i know. and then i am reduced to cream of wheat, grits, and eggs? ::rolls eyes hard::)

but it is what it is.

after a couple of days, i realize, this is the choice i made. no one told me that my smile was jacked up. and when i told people i was getting them, they thought i was crazy and advised me i didn't need them. when i got them, everyone said how cute i looked.

but it wasn't about them. or their comments. i was appreciative for the pleasantries, but it was about me. after the headache and agony of excessive holes in my mouth, i finally had a good mouth. i was thrilled when i went to my quarterly cleaning and was told i'm still cavity free.

i wanted to have a perfect smile. pain comes with that. i'm adjusting to this smile. to this mouth. to feeling restricted by my food choices.

the blue thing in my mouth is correcting my overbite.
(it's also on the other side.)
messed my chewing up completely.

this journey is gonna teach me a lot. my oral hygiene is gonna improve so much. (how can it not after brushing after every meal and spending 20 minutes flossing.) i'm going to appreciate not eating soft foods. and i'm going to challenge my own ideal of beauty.

i'm still cute with braces. i just feel like a kid. and soon, i'll get over myself.

luckily, this week is the worst pain i'll be in. it all gets better from here.

i stared at this pic ad nauseum.
she was fly with braces,
and i will be, too.

natural hair round up: week 36

2011-01-23T18:00:00.001-05:00

my week started off relatively normal. my coils were looking dusty, so i had to play with them:

so like i said, it was a relatively normal week. and then came the henna.

natural hair round up: henna

2011-01-23T17:56:00.001-05:00

i wanted henna solely for the deep conditioning treatment. i had been thinking about it ever since the natural hair meetup. and when the bestie chanda did it to her hair and carmen's, i knew i needed to do it. and then cherilyn did a series about henna, so that was further reiteration.

i was mesmerized by curly nikki's post. and then when i saw l's post, i knew i'd go with her recipe with some modifications.

i got my coconut milk from whole foods friday night. i called them prior and they assured me they had body art quality (BAQ) henna, but when i got there, i saw that it was $24.99. no bueno. i was on a hunt for it, and finally got the henna from patel's indian grocery on hurstbourne lane on saturday.

i didn't measure my mix. i went solely based on consistency. i added 2/3s of the package (it was about 135 grams) and added coconut milk until it was a nice, thick mixture. i added in a bit of coconut oil (probably 1/4 of a cup or less) to the mix afterwards.

30 minutes later, i was done with my application:

i let the product sit on for two hours. i was going to leave it on for four hours, but circumstances didn't permit. and man am i grateful. i should have known it would be all bad when i saw this:

so i did as instructed, rinsing my hair with water until it the water was clear. and then i co-washed about three times, to make sure it was all out.

i took pics of my hair, and screamed but continued.

i washed my hair with giovanni deeper moisture, followed by the conditioner. i immediately noticed the softness of my hair.

yeah. it's bright red. and today it's even brighter because of the whole oxidation process:

i even went back and forth between two pics to see the contrast:

luckily, i like the color. i'm just disappointed that i wanted only a subtle color change and i got a drastic one. i will henna again but will be modifying my recipe (adding conditioner and subtracting oil) and will buy another type of henna.

get over yourself, goodbye

2011-01-20T11:00:00.002-05:00

dear future brace-faced self:

you are dope. like seriously.

your teeth have been a struggle for you. but girl, you're doing well. you have no more holes in your teeth and have been flossing daily. you could do better brushing at night, but i give you kudos for no longer using your manual toothbrush. you spent too much money for that electric one not to use it every day for the rest of your life.

i know you're gonna be in some pain. i know you're gonna feel a bit ugly. but girl, you better put on your flyest outfit on tuesday and work that ish. braces won't detract from your beauty, or your spirit. you get so caught up in the superficial sometimes that you forget that people like you for more than your clothes, style, and musical/movie taste. when you let people see the deeper side of you, the real you, the vulnerable, flawed human being, that's what keeps them in your corner.

and girl... once you get those suckers off, you are gonna be so fly. this is just gonna be another testament to your strength. and you getting over your own hang-ups.

your awesome-sauceness self,

janelle

p/s: yes, girl. i used that eden crush song cuz you really need to get over yourself and your first world problems. focus on school. or working out. or your resolutions. or the 111 day challenge. or mentoring... get the point?

it's so hard to say goodbye part deux

2011-01-19T11:00:00.002-05:00

by the time this is posted, the bestie will be in atlanta, getting ready to start a new life and career. i've already said what i had to here, so i won't repeat myself. here are a couple of pics from her going away dinner at el mundo. (their nod as the best margarita in louisville is so true!)

the sun between us and the next table

gotta love frida

my drink was in the middle (pomegrenate margarita)
robin and daz's were on the other sides
i couldn't hang: i was tipsy off that little i had

robin!

me and daz

she hates taking pics, so this is the first and only pic we have together. trust i'ma get this printed and put up somewhere.

p/s: if you're wondering about the place, we went on thursday night and it was hella crowded. they don't take reservations and the wait was an hour. (someone was there at 7:30.) downstairs is the kitchen, and the upstairs was hella crowded. like i-was-in-everybody's-way crowded. but hey, they had $4 margaritas, so that's to be expected. the atmosphere was cool. drinks were amazing. food was okay. (but i'm speaking from someone who has the palate of a five year old, so...) definitely worth another trip. i asked the waiter and he said tuesday was the best night to go: i.e. less crowds.

natural hair round up: week 35

2011-01-17T19:05:00.002-05:00

it started off with an experiment. sometimes, i forget all that being natural entails: a) my hair likes water b) i can pretty much re-do all styles i get done at the shop, as long as i'm not lazy.

with that, i decided to fix the nastiness that was my front section with finger coils.

i started with these products

since i hadn't done anything to my hair all day (was on vacay and class was cancelled due to the snow), i first moisturized it with a mix of coconut oil and hair milk. from there, i wet it with a mix of water, coconut oil, and two conditioners (giovanni deeper moisture and the paul mitchell lavender mint). the combo is in the tea tree oil bottle.

so this was what my front looked like. so sad.

one coil done (on the left) with the others

three done

it was about this time, when i wondered: what would happen if i did my entire head...

it exceeded my expectations but took three hours:

halfway done, wet

all done! left side

day 2

length check

i heart these robots

my hair is what it is right now. i'm almost approaching week three and it's beginning to look dusty, so i'm playing with pins and hair ties.

i think i'm going to henna my hair this weekend. i'm really not caring about the coloring aspect because i LOVE my hair color right now, but it does look a bit dusty, which means this whole cold air is doing some major damage to my hair. i saw this post on curly nikki and wanna give it a try. if that goes well, i'm gonna henna then indigo for a blue black.

we'll see what happens. and what my stylist says next week. :)

hope you have a safe and protected hair week!

it's so hard to say goodbye

2011-01-12T10:00:00.002-05:00

i've been dreading writing this post. in writing it, it means that it's really happening, and i'm dreading the reality of the situation, as well.

one of my best friends is leaving the city.

our friendship is unusual. in high school, i hated her solely because she was a "pretty girl," and assumed that all girls that were remotely pretty would mirror the hostile relationship i had with my sister, who was the epitome of the "pretty girl" to me.

after high school, i didn't see her again until my first day of my current job. she was in my training class and still as beautiful as she was in high school. still, i didn't like her and the other pretty girls she was friends with in the class.

fast forward to almost two years ago. we worked on the same team and had the same schedule, and i began talking to her. she was really funny and sweet. and got me together as far as my look. (i still credit her for introducing me to the girl who does my eyebrows and showing me how to put on my eyeshadow properly.)

then, we got really close, applying for the same jobs together and getting jobs in the same department. we weren't the "hang out" best friends. i found my group for that. but her role was so much more significant: she was one of the few people i shared my emotional ish with. and she listened. and i returned the favor.

she told me she was leaving, and i helped her in every step of the process. but it just hit me a couple days ago, when she went to take her stuff down to atlanta. and she said that her apartment is now empty.

i'm gonna miss my bestie. we're not phone people and we'll both be hella busy with school and life.

we're gonna see each other a couple times this week, but it'll just feel final. instead of a 20 minute drive to her house, it'll now take about eight hours.

like... this is the person i grew up a lot with. started a new position together. started our natural journeys together. i let my bitterness go with her. and was finally about to get over myself and my own insecurities and befriend whomever.

when i see her on friday, i'll probably cry. she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. and i love her so much more than i could ever articulate in words. i just hope i don't revert back to keeping my guard up and withdrawing from her to make things easier for my heart. our season could be up now. but it's probably not. either way, i need to let that happen on its own.

even though i'm sad she's leaving, i'm so damn proud of her. she's doing something i've only dreamed of. she's inspiring me, as she always does. she's gonna be so damn great. just watch.

note to self: remember to get a picture of the two of you. no matter how much she resists. this is a priority.

natural hair round up: naturally flyy ky meetup

2011-01-11T11:22:00.002-05:00

i'm a girl who loves her meetups and my girl rashida had her meetup this past saturday. rashida started naturally flyy ky a little while ago, and the event was a complete success.

our host, rashida, with the flyest outfit

that one chick tracy

jennifer, talking about henna

chenice from hair strobel talking about hair steamers

ra-chelle demonstrating hair steaming
her hair was super soft afterwards

cher of Derby City Naturals (DCN) talking about her twists

obligatory self-pic
after the meetup, bowling

the whole group of lovely naturals!
photo credit: cher of DCN

thanks to the lovely christmas present i got myself, i was able to record a couple of segments:

can't wait for the next meetup!

natural hair round up: week 34

2011-01-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

i told ya'll i was taking a break, and indeed i did. everything i intended to do was left undone, but to my credit, i must say i enjoyed sleeping. and sleeping. and seeing a couple movies i had on DVD. did i mention sleeping? ::laughs::

my hair wasn't as horrible as i thought it was:

pulled the bad section back, january 4th

when it finally laid down right, january 7th


today, before class started, with a goody ouchless headband

my brows are super cute in this pic!

i heart this pic, mucho

i got a couple of great products at the swap that i'll be using soon: carol's daughter's hair milk and paul mitchell's lavender mint moisturizing conditioner. i tried the hair milk today, and i'm still undecided. the smell was very strong but i don't yet know if it's a good or bad smell. my hair looks really moisturized but no more so than when i use my coconut oil. i'll be using this a bit more, so i'll keep you posted.

if you follow me on twitter, if you know i had a mini-ordeal with my coconut oil. (a lidless jar of coconut oil on a bed with a warm electric blanket is no bueno. i woke up to a pool of oil on the right side of the bed...) i went to whole foods and got another jar in the cooking section that has a very faint scent that is wonderful.

$8 for a 14 oz jar

tomorrow, on day 13, i'll be separating my twists. i'm excited. big curly/coily 'fro, here i come!

hi, sir (baby steps)

2011-01-03T22:20:00.001-05:00

a little housekeeping: this will be my last post of the week. i'm on a staycation until next wednesday, and i'm going to spend that time marinating and getting my head right before school starts next tuesday.

i'm also doing the 111 days challenge and need to get a good start with that. i'd love it if you joined me. it'll make it better. ::peer pressure::

if you need a fix, check the archives. those are juicier, anyway.

i went to DC this past holiday weekend. fuckery ensued, and i mean that in every sense of the word. that city is fly as hell, though. i'll be going back again soon.

but during my trip, i had a lot of time to reflect. i mean, what the hell else is there to do during a 9-hour ride?

i thought about how i had a mini (or hella) freakout while at the shop, in ACV's presence. i was freaking out about my entire 2011 and how i don't know if it'll live up to 2010, if i could get any happier. better yet, how 2011 is the start of a new chapter in my life. i'm starting on my career path and not just talking about it.

so i discussed that and how i'm now looking to settle down and would like to be in a relationship at least six months long in the next three years. (yes. i make life plans that include matters of the heart.) i overshared and came out looking hella crazy, unless you know me. and someone who shall remain nameless asked, "how are you gonna go from lynne to joan?!" (cue girlfriends).

needless to say, i didn't give him my number.

the whole conversation stuck with me. and it didn't help that on sunday before we left for louisville, i had a horrible conversation that further reiterated how unusual i am. my blackness was questioned because i don't watch BET or support tyler perry enterprises and my Christianity was questioned because i believe that homosexuals are born that way and are not an abomination before God. i temporarily forgot people don't have a loose constructionist view of the bible like i do.

so yeah... luckily, i embrace my quirkiness and have a good circle that is just as weird as me.

riding back to my home, i had a lot on my mind. and i was feeling bad. and i just kept thinking about how my NYE would have been if i had stayed in louisville or if i had a hubby. i kept thinking about MNL.

it didn't struck me as anything because i always think about him. but my next thought was piercing:

what if i tell him i love him, in person? not via im or text? what if i make the grand gesture? what if i apologize about the whole assassin situation and not being my authentic self our last time around? what if i show him that he is what i want and that i'm willing to work at it?

is love worth the risk? is he worth the risk?

and my spirit said yes.

exhausted, dressed in (my version of) road trip attire, i rode to his job. as i pulled up, i saw him in the distance and got butterflies. i smiled, said hi, sir, and we gave each other the hug i've been waiting months for: a big, warm, i-miss-you, back-scratching, i-wanna-maul-you-but-i-won't hug. then, i told him everything i needed to say, and then some.

i don't want to wrap up this post in some nice little bow, nor do i want to overindulge. i'll just say that it feels great to take a risk. doesn't hurt that he's ready to take the risk, too.

we're going slow. and for the first time, i appreciate that. onto the baby steps.

natural hair round up: week 33

2011-01-03T22:07:00.001-05:00

i'm only posting because i wanted ya'll to see the catastrophe that is this hair, currently. i went to DC over the holiday and had a hair 'gasm of all the sexy boys with gorgeous locs. (i was so enamored, i actually pulled some guy's locs on NYE. but that's a whole 'nother story... ::laughs::)

i got my hair done wednesday night and it was this gloriousness:

then saturday:

in front of the treasury, i think

then this happened:

what the hell happened to my hair? the back is still luscious, but this front? no bueno. i have to marinate on this a bit.

year in review: 2011 resolutions/tips

2010-12-29T10:00:00.007-05:00

it's faded now,
so it'll be retouched next year

in pondering what i want for 2011, i realize that i did way more than i intended to do. i traveled. i went to a ton of concerts. i partied hard. i got over myself and went to a concert and many dinners solo. i fell in love and had my heart broken. i hung out with many different groups of people, and all was great. got a tattoo. i didn't restrict myself to just my resolutions: if the opportunity presented itself, i seized it.

with that thinking, this is what i'll be telling myself:

eat three meals a day
incorporate working out into the daily routine
know when to sit down
play as hard as you work
love often
smile hourly
appreciate the little things and the big things, equally
let people's compliments flood over you, more so than the negativity
be on honor roll
face your fears head on, with bravery. (you've seen your biggest fears realized this year. and it hurt. but you're okay and still happy.)
build on your circle
get over yourself sometimes. it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. it's just a blip in your pursuit of joy.
have the time of your life every day
stay in your own lane; focus on you
live your motto: love yourself
show your appreciation for your car by taking better care of it. remember how much you hated waking up at 6:45a (!!!), walking five blocks to the bus stop in the 17 degree cold, to get to work at 8a? girl, you could barely wake up at 8:20a to be at work at 9a. so yeah. let's not repeat that, if you can help it.
do only the things that make you happy; fuck that other shit

year in review: 2010 resolutions

2010-12-28T10:00:00.002-05:00

i did a lot of stuff this year. and i had resolutions to help me stay on track of them. i did the stuff i needed to, and then some, and i have more work in other areas. some things served no purpose in the grand scheme of my life. but overall, i'm proud of my year and what i accomplished. here's how they all broke down:

1. find a mentor
when i thought about it, i didn't want a formal mentor, i needed someone for advice on an "as needed basis." i wouldn't say i had a mentor per se, but i knew who to contact when i needed people for specific reasons. like i have a good circle and my sister, for the life stuff. i have a great network of people for the career stuff. i know more people who know people, so all is well.
mission: partially accomplished.

2. read at least 12 books
i started the year off right. i read eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert, bone black by bell hooks, the autobiography of malcolm x, and for colored girls by ntozake shange all by march. then life happened, and it never slowed down. hell, i have six library books sitting on my coffee table that are way overdue that i'd love to read. started the bluest eyes and couldn't finish it. and with school and mentoring starting in january, in addition to everything else i do, i don't know if i'll have the time. i made a good shot, though.
mission: partially accomplished.

3. begin researching what i want to do (go to the career development center and do the planning/career assessments)
i didn't utilize either of these resources, but your passion has a way of finding you. i kept meeting tons of teachers everywhere. and one day, it just dawned on me: duh. quit being scared and just do it.
mission: partially accomplished.

~~4. be a better steward~~
this was related to church. and honestly? i didn't attend church much this year and am re-thinking how i feel about tithing. that's all i'm saying about that.
mission: unnecessary.

5. manage my finances better
::laughs:: i bought all the clothes/shoes/makeup, went to five concerts, and took four out of state trips.
mission: completely failed.

6. be healthier (workout, eat better)
::laguhs again:: not only did i not start working out, but now if i eat two meals a day, it's been a good day.
mission: completely failed.

7. continue daily devotional
i think i'm perhaps most proud of this. i've never stopped reading a chapter a day. it had it moments where i wanted to stop (like reading all the histories of the kings, in judges, kings, etc.), but it's helped center me. and i'm reading psalms right now (and will be probably until march), but reading a song of praise daily has been amazing.
mission: accomplished

8. find a side hustle
this fell into my lap. i was at the shop, always talking hair, so now i talk hair, take pictures, and put them on the fan page. no biggie.
mission: accomplished

9. color and cut my hair
done. and done, twice over. now if only i can get my stylist to color my hair a dark blue...
mission: accomplished

10. find a hobby/group
me going natural opened up a whole new world for me, with activity partners and good friends.
mission: accomplished

11. become a six sigma yellowbelt
it's a work thing.
mission: accomplished

12. talk to an advisor/graduate faculty member about getting into grad school
i have three more classes to take before i apply for grad school, along with a GRE to take. another conversation will be had, but i have talked to advisors within the education department about school.
mission: accomplished

13. talk to neyshia/maranda/etc. about working and going to grad school
mission: accomplished

~~14. wear a swimsuit in public~~
the opportunity never presented itself. in lieu of that, i did wear shorts for the first time in years. but trust, if the opportunity presents itself, i will be in a bathing suit.
mission: unpresented

15. appreciate the people in my life (and those that aren't)
took some time, but it happened. it is what it is.
mission: accomplished

16. copy pictures of gusta/aunt mildred/etc. to have a positive image of dark skinned beauty
i guess i thought i had to have pictures of my family for this image, but with blogs, YT, and tumblrs being around more people, i've seen a plethora of beauty that i can appreciate. and i found a twin who is a budding friend.
mission: accomplished, for the end result

17. smile more
done. but i still have my stink face as often. that's just me. :)
mission: accomplished

18. embrace my feelings, whatever they may be
acknowledge. feel. emote. repeat as needed. move on.
mission: accomplished

19. be open to vulnerability
finally realized i'm hella vulnerable and sensitive. if i love and care for you enough, i'll show you.
mission: accomplished

20. pay off my car
it'll be paid off by may at the latest, february at the earliest. either way, that's over a year sooner. woot woot!
mission: accomplished

~~21. learn how to walk in heels~~
um... i'm not really fond of heels.
mission: unnecessary.

year in review: music

2010-12-27T14:00:00.003-05:00

i saw karsh's post about his top music of the year, and that inspired me to do my own. it was a bit harder, trying it on itunes, but thanks to this post, i found a way.

i'm kinda nervous about the results myself (in descending order):

61 plays

65 plays

7. out my mind, just in time x erykah badu (66 plays)
7. a.d. 2000 x erykah (66 plays)
5. green eyes x erykah (70 plays)

72 plays

76 plays

81 plays

four appearances by kanye and three by erykah? ::laughs:: i'm so not surprised.

i tried to sort by album and by artist, but itunes won't let you do that with your ipod. they suck.

i also tried to think of my top 10 albums of the year, but i can't decide the order. but my top three are definitely (again in descending order):

somewhere in that list are also (in no order):

i do have to give an honorable mention to cee-lo. i think he may be my favorite artist this year. i re-discovered gnarls barkley and loved all the tracks he was on this year, from travie mccoy, rick ross, bruno mars, and kid cudi. it's possible to do a three degree of separation with dude just for songs this year. he was everywhere.

for 2011, i definitely want to listen to 90s rap, so them one chicks (and you KNOW who you are) will get off my back. plus it'll give me some variation and a bit of background, including knowing cee-lo in goodie mob. i guess not listening to secular music until 1997 really hurts your background in music. ::smiles::

what albums/songs did you love in 2010?